General Election Punch and Judy Show.

 General Election Punch and Judy Show.

So here we are at the beginning of the great, political Punch and Judy show. It's the season of name calling, barbed insults, brinkmanship, one upmanship and quite frankly, childish behaviour. There will be a whole sequence of very personal accusations and counter accusations, mud slinging and fierce criticism from both the Conservative and Labour parties aimed exclusively at each other. It's all designed to humiliate and undermine both the red, blue and yellow corner.

Ladies and Gentlemen. Let me introduce you to the build up to the UK General Election. It's the preamble to the one event held every five years that some of us may quietly dread since none of us can really make up our minds decisively. On July 4th, the good folk of Great Britain will be asked to saunter down to their local voting booths and decide the immediate future of this green and pleasant land. We've always done General Elections with some expertise and competence. Besides, the act of ticking a couple of boxes has never really troubled any of us. We may tolerate our politicians but it's all a bit of a laugh.

This week, all three mainstream parties Labour, Conservative and Lib Dems have been hard at it, clocking up the railway mileage, watching the gorgeous British countryside out of the train windows and wondering what the cows, sheep and lambs must be thinking of when they gaze across at Westminster's finest. All of our ministers will be furiously scribbling notes, reading books and pamphlets relating to their own party and believing that their party are just outstandingly well equipped to govern the country for at least five years.

Already, both Rishi Sunak, Sir Keir Starmer and Ed Davy have all been travelling to all four corners of the UK, hoping to be the most persuasive orators you've ever heard speaking on any subject. They will head for all the local shopping centres in every town, village and city in the whole of England, producing that familiar orange crate and soap box to express their pompous platitudes, those old sayings we must have heard a million times before. The high minded promises and guarantees will, quite obviously, grate, irritate and annoy those who have been accustomed to the same language and bold pledges throughout the decades and centuries.

It will all sound very convincing and grammatically correct perhaps, woolly and mealy mouthed at times but not really pressing home any advantage. According to all the experts, the Labour party are running away with the General Election and hold the most commanding lead over the Tories since records began. Whoever you believe, this could be the most monumental landslide of a victory for Labour since the days of dear Clement Atlee and we all know what happened to Winston Churchill then.

Sometimes you get a feeling for this particular General Election. The mood music at the moment would imply that this contest is so one sided that the Tories would be well advised to just leave the country tomorrow and just hide in a dark cupboard where nobody can see them. Sadly, the Conservative party, who used to be the epitome of reliability and integrity in the eyes of  the middle and upper classes, are now in danger of  descending into complete melt down and oblivion. Rumour has it that Rishi Sunak is planning to jump onto a plane after the election, earning a handsome living on the after dinner speech circuit. Some have suggested that Sunak just wants to escape the rat race with permanent residence in California. Sunak just emphatically denies the rumour but then he would.

Besides, does Sunak really need all of that aggravation and hassle back among the green benches in the House of Commons? For a while now, the Tories have been grasping at the nettle, desperately searching for approval and acceptance, wondering whether anybody who will either forgive them their idiotic misdemeanours or just throw them into the lions den. The last 14 years have been dominated by one calamity after another, a frightening decline into a world of cringeworthy embarrassment.

For those of us who really think that the Conservative party are just covering their backs with one excuse after another, then you'd probably be right. After all, it wasn't their fault governor. They did their utmost at times and really did try to create a favourable impression. It wasn't their fault that Covid 19, that horrific global virus, almost destroyed the entire world. The number of fatalities as a result of Covid 19 may come to haunt Boris Johnson's muddling and blundering government. But then politics can be a cruel body blow to your confidence when things seem to be going fairly well.

This week, the political buses have been out there in some force. The campaigning for your vote probably started months ago since everybody knew the General Election was imminent. But, suddenly the well embroidered patchwork quilt of rural England may find itself drawn back into the most awkward indifference since General Elections began. We love to hate politicians because none of them have ever done any of us any favours and we really don't care about their everyday decisions which may have a vitally important effect on all of us.

Already, devoted Southampton football club supporter Rishi Sunak, Britain's Prime Minister at the moment, has been seen dribbling with the ball both carefully and deliberately around training cones. It all began to look like some cheap public relations exercise. The Prime Minister loves his football and he is one of us. He has his finger on the pulse and just wants to be recognised as a man of the people. Let's hear it for good old Rishi. Come on you Saints, you're a paragon of virtue. And yet it all seems highly unlikely.

Meanwhile, Sir Keir Starmer, our next potential Prime Minister, has also been out and about, smiling for the cameras, a supportive and considerate man who just wants the job he's always craved. He'd give anything just to be liked and admired for who he is rather than the way he may be perceived by others. Recently, Starmer stood on a platform in some Labour heartland and was, by some unfortunate set of circumstances, attacked by a swarm of flies or wasps. At this point, Starmer looked spooked and shocked as if one of the Tories had been up to no good. Karmer frantically swotted away the insects by whipping off his glasses and then composure arrived just in the nick of time.

And then finally there was Ed Davy, leader of the Liberal Democrats. This had to be Davy's first election roadshow assignment. You know what it's like. You're Ed Davy's Press officer and you do have his best interests at heart but how to explain what happened to him yesterday? Davy promptly agrees to get onto a paddle board in Lake Windemere. So here's what follows next.

If you're Ed Davy, you stand on the board and, after a spot of gentle wobbling and balancing, Davy just falls head first into the water, flopping gleefully into the drink. And then he laughed stoically as if the whole thing had been rehearsed over and over again. Well done Ed. You've won the comedy community vote hands down but little else one suspects. For ages now, the Lib Dems or, from another age, the Liberals have been regarded as a seaside end of pier joke, just there to make up the numbers. We had Nick Clegg who once formed a coalition government with Conservative Prime Minister David Cameron but who remembers that?

So there you have it, folks. It's General Election time. A lively democracy is about to go to the Polls, moving very smartly into place for what could be one of the most personal and nastiest battles in General Election history. The loathing and resentment is there for all to see. Sunak can barely hold back his withering contempt while Starmer just wants July 4th to arrive as soon as possible. We have monitored events on the political front and if Sir Keir Starmer hasn't got his feet under the table in 10, Downing Street then we may have completely misjudged everything. Britain is ready for fresh and innovative change. Or maybe Rishi Sunak has got one last trick up his sleeve for the Tories. We very much doubt it but you never know.