England scrape through to Euro 2024 quarter final against Switzerland.

 England scrape through to Euro 2024 quarter final against Switzerland.

It almost felt as if  England were looking for buried treasure in some ancient kingdom.  Hidden away intriguingly in some tomb or sarcophagus were the remnants of some artefact, completely forgotten by time. England though, were still searching for forgiveness and leniency from their fans since it took them the best part of full time and extra time and then seconds to go before being knocked out of Euro 2024. Shamefully, England were bowing their heads and preparing for the exit gate before flying back to Heathrow airport. This had been a horribly nerve racking, painfully excruciating experience and nobody had enjoyed this at all. But then fate intervened and England were through to the last eight of Euro 2024.

There were seconds left between England's departure from Euro 2024 and a slot in the quarter finals which would have been considered a travesty of justice had things gone in their favour. Rather like all of their displays in this edition of the European Championships, England were dreadful, embarrassingly devoid of ideas, lumpenproletariat, a distinctly sour and unappealing rag tag collection of nonentities, desperately bad and poor, singularly without a backbone and never looking likely to score a goal at any point.

This was an England from the bad, old days, the side who were humiliated by Iceland in Euro 2016, driven out of the competition unceremoniously, dumped on their backside and left squirming in a dark corner. Then there was the World Cup in South Africa 2010, when England struggled shockingly against the little minnows Algeria in the group stage. This was a goal-less draw that did nothing to satisfy anybody and just left Wayne Rooney verbally attacking England fans with all manner of angry accusations. Days like the ones which almost left England packing their bags in Euro 2024 are becomingly disturbingly common.

After the faceless fiascos of both Slovenia, Serbia and Denmark, most of us were perhaps privately harbouring hopes of a sudden revival against Slovakia but they never came to fruition. England must have been hoping that the group stage matches were just phoney wars, gentle practice matches, limbering up exercises that would stand them in good stead for the real business end of Euro 2024. Nothing like that ever happened and, instead, Gareth Southgate's men looked like men who had just emerged from a hot sauna, sweating profusely, pores of the skin refreshed but exhausted by the exertions of a draining marathon.

We always pin our hopes on England simply discovering their real motives for being at Euro 2024 and then somebody pricks the balloon and it all goes as flat as a pancake. England gave us the obvious impression that somebody had given them a smouldering grenade and left them to defuse it without any assistance. Rather like Inspector Clouseau in the Pink Panther who walks into an antique shop with a bomb in his hand, this incendiary just seemed to blow up in England's faces from the kick off.

England were shabby, ugly, utterly grotesque, gauche, drab and dishevelled. Their football was an almost incessant slow motion replay, a fusion of the unsightly and unsavoury, little in the way of  tactical strategy and a group of players who just looked as though they simply couldn't wait to navigate their way to a comforting and welcoming Mediterranean beach where the sea laps gently against the toes of pampered Premier League egos.

From the moment the referee blew his whistle, England were like men whose minds were drifting deliriously towards an alcoholic hotel bar. We always criticise England when things are going badly because, quite rightly, they deserve all those damaging insults, withering verdicts on their lack of professionalism and their complete lack of ambition throughout the game. But this was never good enough and unless England undergo a radical transformation on Saturday against Switzerland, Harry Kane and manager Gareth Southgate will have to admit to glaring weaknesses in the squad and major deficiencies that have to be rectified immediately before they get any worse.

For the moment it just looks very bleak, grim  and ghastly. It's not the end of the world and we are still in the tournament so perhaps we've underestimated the whole of the England squad. Maybe they're saving the best until the last but if we are to assume that England are simply feeling their way into Euro 2024 they may think that these last minute adjustments just aren't working. You can only do a certain amount of tweaking and changing of personnel but England, just for now, are running on empty.

When David Stelec slipped through a delightful reverse pass which had been chipped into the path of Ivan Schranz, the Slovakia striker smuggled his way to the edge of England's penalty area and then slipped the ball delicately past England goalkeeper Jordan Pickford. Slovakia were in front and that's the way things would remain until deep into injury time as the final whistle was about to be blown.

Once again, England were just static, nervous, tentative, far too patient at times, unnecessarily over complicating everything and just reluctant to commit themselves when moving forward. You were reminded of  11 mannequins in a shop window, just there for display and nothing more. Kyle Walker, Declan Rice, Kieran Trippier and John Stones almost lumbered into the Slovakia half rather like men waiting for permission to play properly and wary of rejection from England's admirably loyal supporters.

Manchester United's Kobbie Mainoo did his utmost to sprinkle the pitch with some stardust and his controlling influence in midfield did restore our faith in an England side that, before the start of the tournament were, absurdly, odds on favourites to win Euro 2024. Admittedly, this rash and stupid prediction has now been rendered , quite clearly, as the foolish prophecy it always was. Of course we want the national team to win and win handsomely but, at Sunday tea time, England were looking over their shoulders, both terrified and petrified.

There were fleeting highlights and cameos. Arsenal's Bukayo Saka was always lively, lithe and sprightly, juggling the ball with his feet with a deftness of touch and delicacy that, from time to time, looked as though  England would find its due reward, finding the right key to the door. Saka received the ball on the flank and then launched into a lovely show of impeccable, close ball control, holding the ball at his feet protectively, before twisting and turning deceptively. He then cuts the ball back on to his other foot before running at defenders who maybe kicking themselves and regretting every effort to catch Saka.

Phil Foden and, of course, the now stunningly talented playmaker who is Jude Bellingham, almost seemed to vanish into thin air, so anonymous had they become. Foden is a superb technician, opening up the entire pitch with frequent body swerves and hip shimmyings, eating up the ground with darting and penetrative runs. Foden is just the embodiment of everything English fans clutch to their chest; pride and a genuine sense of patriotism, hard working, always busy and unceasingly creative.

With time rapidly running out though for Gareth Southgate, England just threw the metaphorical kitchen sink at Slovakia. For all the world, this looked a desolate cause. The white shirts were simply treating the ball like a hot potato, going backwards and forwards, horizontal and vertical, drawing patterns that were more Banksy graffiti; highly impressive and artistic but never resulting in any semblance of a winning goal. 

Then a last minute corner from England was headed on more in desperation than design. The ball landed perfectly into the Jude Bellingham field of expertise. Bellingham, with back to goal, threw his body acrobatically into the air in the middle of a congested Slovakia penalty area. The bicycle, overhead kick flew into the net spectacularly and England were handed the ultimate reprieve, an unexpected lifeline.

And so extra time beckoned. England were now wonderfully revitalised and re-energised. The batteries had been recharged and were working overtime. Up until this point it all looked so sorry and forlorn. But a couple of minutes into injury time and now a much healthier complexion appeared on English faces. England were. Cole Palmer, who many felt should have started the game, lofted a free kick into the Slovakian penalty area, Eberechi Eze, the new, exciting kid on the block for Crystal Palace, wildly slashed at the ball and then Marc Guehi headed the ball back into the penalty area from another cross. The ball now conveniently fell for captain Harry Kane who headed the ball low into the net for what would prove another last gasp winner for England.

What now becomes abundantly clear is that unless there is some miraculous sea change in England's ultra cautious attacking approach, then a plane will be ready to take them back to Heathrow airport in London as soon as possible. From this vantage point, England are now as far away from winning Euro 2024 as it's possible to be. You could roll the dice now but England look a busted flush and ready to bow out of the competition without so much as a whimper. But then again, who knows? We may have it wrong.

Switzerland may be cruel to be kind against England next weekend and yet there are no encouraging omens for Gareth Southgate to cling onto. This may be the right time though, for the national side to gamble on the roulette table without a hint of a poker face. It's time to deliver for England before the country turns its attention to a feast of tennis at Wimbledon. Gareth Southgate. You can do it. We know you can.