Donald Trump - you're at your fittest. Keep going.

Donald Trump- you're at your fittest. Keep going.

So it's official. The 45th President of the United States Donald Trump has passed his medical and is, quite definitely, the fittest man on Planet Earth. It was announced yesterday that Trump, far from being an ailing 70 year old with liver or kidney problems is, as we say in Britain, as fit as a butcher's dog, ready to take part in this year's London and New York marathons, primed to swim the Atlantic at least three times this year and then he may challenge Rafa Nadal to a punishing five set thriller when, of course, Nadal can fit Trump into his busy schedule.

Yes folks, the great Don or Mr Trump, as he would be preferred to be called, has nothing wrong with him and he's ready to face 2018 with all the confidence of a man 20 years younger than him. You can see him now, hurtling down a skiing slope in Switzerland, dragging a lorry or bus in one of those hilarious Strongest Men in the World contests and then finally ripping up a couple of those old fashioned telephone directory books with a minimum of effort.

The truth is of course, that Trump does need to lose weight and could do with shifting just a couple of stones around the stomach. The doctors may have told him that he's in the rudest health and that he may need to cut out those high cholesterol burgers, those industrial size buckets of pop corn and the giant sized packets of crisps that we would all admit to eating from time to time but not with Trump's air of gluttony. This though, this may be an exaggeration and Trump still thinks he's the greatest President the Americans have ever had. And he may be right.

To all outward appearances Trump is a smart, healthy, wealthy gentleman who may believe that he can do anything, make anything and just fit the description of being the most perfect, flawless and  superior of any individual. We've been told that he's got to go steady on the cookies and chips but should fulfil the increasingly complicated demands on his time. Running as President of United States was never going to be easy but providing he stays away from those sticky currant buns then he'll be fine.

Then, surprisingly, we were also told that Donald Trump refused a cognitive test which meant that his towering intellect was about to be questioned. Seriously though, how could we ever doubt the enormous intelligence and sheer literary brilliance of a man who just wants to do things his way and doesn't care who he hurts into the bargain? Trump is, to quote another cliche, the best thing since sliced bread, a man whose natural eloquence and political rhetoric would put predecessors like Franklin Roosevelt and Harry Truman to shame.

Here is a man who remains fervently convinced that he is, indeed, a 'stable genius'. Now without wishing to sound nit picking and fussily pedantic this is the kind of the phrase that an advertising agency would run with quite happily and then plaster on every street corner. But 'stable genius'. You'll have to forgive me a private giggle or several. It verges on absurdity but then you realise where the statement came from and you begin to recognise the only man capable of making such a surreal remark.

Donald Trump has now been in office at the White House for almost as long as anybody can remember. The feeling persists that if you wish upon a star your dreams will come emphatically true. For Trump fantasy has more or less become blurred by reality and the once billionaire businessman is still the owner of the one of the biggest and most ostentatious hotels in Western civilisation. But once Trump makes up his mind those who dare come anywhere near him will be summarily wrestled to the ground, clipped about the ears and rabbit punched for his sins against the legend that is Donald Trump.

But it was the Trump medical that still prompts mild sniggers and nothing but outright derision. Did the said doctor ask him to quote a whole Shakespeare play, or to produce the most striking sculpture ever seen. Perhaps he might be tempted to consider a career in astrophysics or mechanical engineering or become a leading expert in the field of rocket science. The world is Trump's oyster and here in Britain we have the Open University and who knows what else? The world of medicine is in desperate need of eminent surgeons and literature is in crying need of a bright new talent.

At the moment though it is perhaps wise to look no further than Trump's welfare. The old heart is ticking away with reassuring regularity and he still oozes the kind of charisma and bravado that may one day lead to another term as President. How, the American public must think, has it come to this? What on earth has the United States of America done to deserve this outrageously conceited man, an opinionated rabble rouser who finds it impossible to pause for just a moment and reflect on his recklessly ill judged, knee jerk responses? The repercussions are left like a nasty mess on the ground.

Still Trump can undoubtedly be more presidential and he can still be a stable genius because that's what the world needs to hear. Of course the media are full of conspiracy theories, of course they've got it in for him rather than Kenneth Williams infamy. In fact there is a school of thought which believes that Trump is a villainous hate figure who should take himself off to a desert island and never be seen again. Trump, if you were to listen to some of his most entrenched critics, is the worst thing that has ever happened to America since the beginning of  time, an evil, detestable character with few morals and even fewer friends.

It would be perfectly understandable if Trump quite clearly told everybody to get lost and any persecution complex he may be feeling should be dismissed from his mind. So far Trump has divided the whole of America with his Oscar winning speeches about issues that may come back to haunt him, his singling out of  certain countries whose leaders and policies he so obviously disapproves of and then there are the long, impassioned rants about his colleagues and ex colleagues. Over and over again Trump sits at his desk and then rubs his eyes in wonderment. So many sweet jars and so many things to do. What happens when I press this button but not that button?

And on he goes. Trump carefully steps down from planes wearing that long, dark and sombre coat, flicking back wisps of that blond hair almost nonchalantly and then grinning agreeably for the cameras. It is hard to imagine what exactly is going through the Trump mind but you can only assume that he is loading up some more verbal ammunition for the media he's convinced are plotting against him, the people he thinks are slimy pond life with poisonous tongues.

 Trump not only believes in the gospel of fake news he'll prove it in a court of law if his lawyers will allow it. Those nasty gossip mongers and sham philistines hate him but frankly why should Trump care anyway? He's got billions in the bank so it's just water off a ducks back and besides sticks and stones will never break his bones. Nobody could possibly touch Trump for tact, his remarkable finesse, that stunning turn of phrase. If only somebody could turn around one day and acknowledge that 'stable genius'. It would make everybody's life so much easier.

Trump's recent firing and hiring of the friends he felt sure he could trust and confide almost lends his Presidency an air of Hollywood glamour. Trump, regardless of everything that may or may not have happened in the last year. is still a capable pair of hands at the ship's tiller. He'll keep tapping out those reactionary 140 plus character on Twitter and if that British satire classic Spitting Image were still around, he'd still look like a bumbling, blundering figure who revels only in his own publicity.

Hold on though! We've all got it wrong. Donald Trump is essentially one of the most heroic and admirable public figures in American political history. He will restore full employment to America, he will build walls that get in the way of Mexico and you can bet your bottom dollar that he will ensure that health care, the economy, education, housing for all and gang warfare will be rightly addressed. Trump will get everything right eventually because that Obama guy was a complete waste of time and a threat to civil liberties.

So here we are again in the middle of January and Donald Trump is still there in the presidential hot seat. Some of us are just relieved that Trump is so fighting fit that this may be the right time to stop dwelling on so called shortcomings and leave it to the blond bombshell. At the moment he's well intentioned, respectable and not entirely untrustworthy. He will use the examples of the highly esteemed Richard Nixon who was doing so well until Watergate destroyed him. And what about that Bill Clinton? Poor Clinton. Initially Clinton was the ultimate charmer until a photo gallery of women decided to do the dirty on him. American presidents can never really get it right so maybe we should give Trump another chance.

It is not often that American presidents are required to pass cognitive tests with the option not to if he felt it wasn't necessary. But Trump insisted on what must have been an IQ test designed most certainly to prove that he can read War and Peace and he does know what day it is. The emotional reflexes are still working and those Twitter comments are perfectly literate and legible. The next test is the mood of the nation and whether Trump is still in touch with the entire American population. Here in Britain we are still faced with a problem called Brexit and how to solve it. Dynamic Donald though has more pressing concerns on his mind and he must exercise more regularly. America, we salute you.