Whatever have the Russians ever given us?

Whatever have the Russians ever given us?

It's a good question isn't it? Whatever have the Russians ever given us?  Recent events would suggest that the Russians have carried out all manner of dastardly deeds, not only behaving deplorably but upsetting and angering the whole of the British government. The Russians have committed the ultimate crime and they should be utterly ashamed of themselves because this is the conduct of a nation that this summer will be hosting football's blue riband event the World Cup this summer.

But in a quiet shopping centre in Salisbury a couple of days ago, there was a vile and despicable incident which reminded us once again that the fragility of world peace has once again been highlighted quite starkly. This time though the Russians had their finger prints all over this one and no matter their emphatic denial there can be no denying that when the subject turns to double agents and spies there can only be one country responsible for this shocking violation, man's inhumanity to man. How on earth did this come to pass?

The nerve agent used to poison a perfectly respectable father and daughter has all the hallmarks of something much more sinister and serious than any of us could have thought. It is the realisation of a John Le Carre novel, shifty and devious goings on at KGB headquarters, dark shadows in draughty corridors, plots and counter plots, glasses of whiskey liberally laced with traces of cyanide, potent concoctions designed to both maim, paralyse and kill. Will the human race ever learn to get on with each other?

And now for the repercussions ladies and gentlemen. Vladimir Putin, the grizzly bear from Russia, is grumbling and muttering with fury and barely suppressed hostility. How dare Britain accuse his beloved Russians of anything unsavoury and untoward? It's not as if this has ever happened before. The Russians have a number of black marks on their record. This is not without precedent. And yet once again they wash their hands of this ghastly attack, this unforgivable misdemeanour.

Putin is now indulging himself in lengthy sessions of shoulder shrugging, protestations of innocence and it certainly wasn't us governor. Putin glares and glowers at his inquisitors rather like those war trial criminals who refuse to accept the so called malicious accusations made against them. Why would the Russians stoop to the lowest and most disgraceful depths, to using a nerve agent poison that had the obvious potential to kill and murder innocent citizens just going about their every day business?

Meanwhile back in Britain and Westminster the voices of outrage and disgust can be heard throughout London and the British isles. Little did Prime Minister Theresa May know it at the time that the job itself would be enormously taxing, stressful and filled with complications. But she must have suspected that something would go wrong eventually.  First, there was the nightmare that is Brexit, an exhausting political assault course that may go on for ever and now Russian skullduggery of the most evil kind. Or maybe they haven't done anything and the British are just making this all up? This is all a huge conspiracy to make the Russians feel very small and inferior.

But surely the evidence is mounting up against Putin and his cronies and they may find that they haven't a legal leg to stand on. Who else to blame for trying to blatantly poison to death their fellow man and woman? Switzerland, Luxembourg, San Marino, the Isle of Man? It all seems utterly  preposterous and unnecessary because the rest of the world has enough on its plate without agonising over spies, double agents and the poisoning of the human race. The underlying suspicion is that Russia did it and that's final. It's all very sleazy and mysterious and none of us know how things will turn out. Now though, is the time for remaining calm.

Now the finger of blame and condemnation is pointing clearly at our European neighbours from the Kremlin. This morning Moscow will awake with sore heads and severely wounded pride, innocent as the day is long, but indirectly victimised for something that had nothing to do with them. Victimisation and persecution are terrible things and for the next week or so Russia will find themselves at the centre of completely unwarranted attention.

Maybe this is the time for the whole of Russia to take a step back, keep calm and keep drinking several bottles of vodka and giant samovars of lemon tea. What about a game of roulette? Now that's just asking for trouble. A contemplative game of chess perhaps? I've got it. Let's plonk a thick Cossack hat on our collective heads and dance happily into the sunset.

We could continue this childish act of tit for tat finger pointing, futile scaremongering tactics and general unpleasantness. Russia has crossed the line, gone too far and the punishment is deportation of its most important diplomats. They must never be allowed to do this again, this is their last warning and if  they do it again, drastic measures will be taken to kick you out of Britain permanently.

And so we return to the hallowed corridors of the House of Commons where you can almost hear the roars of thunderous disapproval, the moral masses who are simply baying for Russian blood, the infuriated ministers boiling over with red faced annoyance and wishing there was something, anything they could do to defuse this ticking time bomb.

So it is that we return to this summer's football World Cup which, by some stunning coincidence, is being held in Russia. If Boris Johnson had his way England would be withdrawn immediately and prevented now from taking part in a tournament that is one of football's crown jewels. This is not the time though for knee jerk reactions and only sanity to prevail. Sooner or later those Russians will either admit to their culpability in this whole sorry episode or justice will be seen to be done. Keep calm and keep drinking vodka.