Another Brexit delay until the end of next January.

Another Brexit delay until the end of next January.

We are now almost at the end of our tether and we are most certainly fed up. Today, with perhaps the heaviest of hearts, Prime Minister Boris Johnson reluctantly decided that we weren't quite ready to come out of the European Union. We were meant to sever our ties with that grand old monolith known as Brussels towers on Halloween night this Thursday but some of the witches exercised their evil powers and now we find ourselves at square one. Quite obviously mention of pumpkin pies and trick and treating was enough to scare the living daylights out of our European counterparts.

But fear not the blond bombshell who is Boris Johnson has got everything under his control- well everything that is apart from the unruly shock of hair on his head. Only kidding Boris. The fact is of course that Boris is beginning to get the hang of this Prime Minister lark- there is definitely an air of statesmanship and tact about the man that does change your perception of the Uxbridge dynamo. The trouble is though that we are no closer to leaving the EU than we were on March 31st.

Here we are in the closing chapters of another year and it's all very vague, woolly, totally indecipherable, maddeningly inconclusive and just a pain in the neck. We are quite literally living in a parallel universe and nobody seems to have a clue what the other is supposed to be doing. There are bulky documents that may as well have been written in Esperanto or hieroglyphics. They remind you of the ramblings of some very confused caveman who would much rather be painting on walls or hunting for food.

The fact is though that talk has now turned to the very real possibility of a General Election on December 12. This means that dear old Santa Claus will have to move himself because at this rate the mince pies may have to be eaten in double quick time. This afternoon Boris Johnson pleaded for the opportunity to go to the ballot box, imploring his Labour opponent Jeremy Corbyn to go to the country. Johnson has now repeatedly told us that his Tory government had run its course, was out on its feet, worn out and ready for the knackers yard.

There comes a point in a man's life when you've got to with your gut instinct and after all these long and drawn out, tiresome and loathsome discussions and deliberations some of us are just heartily sick of it all. It almost feels as if the collective rabble who make up the House of Commons have stolen three years out of our lives without a single pause for breath. They have tormented us with endless twaddle, loosened their tongues with devastating attacks on each other's intelligence, pounded our ears with loud voices and then landed savage verbal blows the like of which we have rarely seen before.

And now they have the audacity to stretch it out for the rest of the year and who knows perhaps deep into the 25th century when men and women wearing odd looking space suits will be tearing their hair out because they simply can't stand their blistering, blustering rhetoric. Surely not though. At some point some very rational voice of commonsense will put a stop to all of this totally inelegant language, this vacuous vocabulary, this ridiculously clumsy and cumbersome grammar and this insistence on outrageous literary absurdity.

Now though we are seriously beginning to believe that the public have simply been sold down the river, unnecessarily stressed out and are now quite literally on the point of just completely giving up on politicians permanently. How on earth are we to believe or place any trust on the kind of people who keep spinning their soundbites, patronising us with garbled, made up words and phrases and then spitefully spitting out yet more poison, bile and vitriol on the radio airwaves of Britain? Ya boo sucks.

And yet why should we endure and tolerate this idiosyncratic behaviour, this headlong rush towards that fiery pit of endless pomposity? But hold on, maybe we've known this for years anyway so why should any of this current conduct come as any great surprise? They sit on those bright green benches everyday, standing up and sitting down, flourishing their sheaves of paper, giggling, gurning, guffawing, sniggering, hollering, shouting, grandstanding and then desperately trying to get one over each other. It is the mentality of the nursery class where paint brushes are thrown and the kids who are supposed to be listening to the morning story would rather poke their tongues at the teacher behind their backs.

Eventually we'll have to put our allegedly honourable politicians in detention and ready to pay for their unbearable misdemeanours. It's time to do those lines. They must write this sentence. We will never mention the word Brexit again 500 times. If that doesn't frighten them then nothing will. This time they've gone too far. Yes you Johnson! Yes you Gove and yes you Rees Mogg! We will not stand for your wholesale destruction of the English language and we will never understand why or how it's come to this impasse, this roadblock, this grinding halt.

Who can possibly believe that the 31st January is just some random date in the calendar when some decision that should have been made final last March is simply a figment of our imagination? This is beginning to resemble some very silly game of Hide and Seek where everybody races around looking for an object that doesn't really exist anyway. Still, this has to be a very plausible alternative to the BBC Test Card. Oh why didn't that girl finish off that game of noughts and crosses? For the Test Card read Brexit.

Still, we can feel a General Election is just around the corner. The problem now is that the proposed date may disrupt our Christmas shopping and deciding either the red or blue of a new Government in the middle of December is almost inappropriately problematic. But they can count on our votes or maybe not. They won't let us down, honestly. When was the last time a new Government betrayed us or made a fool of us?  We could always cancel Christmas if only to make room for some more riveting Brexit lectures. Let's get out the Trivial Pursuit. What a good idea.