Oh Boris Johnson- he survives again

 Oh Boris Johnson- he survives again

If Boris Johnson had been Larry the Cat he may well have had nine lives and still lived to tell the tale. As events are slowly proving Johnson has not only kissed the Blarney Stone he's probably taken it into his living room at 10 Downing Street, placed it on his mantelpiece and is now eternally grateful that it was still in the same position as it was yesterday. To quote one of Johnson's predecessors things can only get better. They can hardly get any worse or can they? Time will tell.

For what seems like the umpteenth time, Boris Johnson has got away with it again. He's told another white lie, committed perjury and not for the first time, rubbed Britain up the wrong way. He's antagonised the nation in a way that is now becoming the familiar norm, forgotten a vital piece of information, blurted out what he considered to be the absolute truth and then contradicted himself in the same sentence. In other words he hasn't a clue what he's doing, has lost his bearings and just covered his back while nobody was watching him. 

The last couple of days at the House of Commons have become a veritable Andrew Lloyd Webber musical- cum- comedy and irreverent satire in the making. Johnson is officially the joker in the pack. He has now become the personification of naivete and mind blowing ineptitude. He reminds you of the late American comedian Jack Benny my wonderful dad once waxed lyrical about after the Second World War.

Benny would walk onto a stage, stand in the middle of the stage, folding his arms casually, gazing vacantly across the audience and inducing wild laughter with a twenty minute silence. The look of bemusement on his face was, according to my dad, priceless. Then Benny would launch into his memorable act as if nothing had ever happened. So it is that Boris Johnson confronted the British public last night like a man who'd been accused of murder and insisted he was nowhere near the crime.

Not for the first time, Johnson was verbally assassinated by all and sundry, a man now lost in a world of betrayal, deception and muddled thinking on a monumental scale. He kept looking for a sympathetic ear but only found hostility, vilification, insults, humiliation and the worst kind of loathing. Even his closest colleagues and alleged friends turned on him with vile invective and the most acid of tongues. Poor Boris must have been wishing that the 2019 General Election had never happened and that even his previous job of Mayor of London would be still be available again at some point in the future. 

And so it was that Boris Johnson had become drawn into the most toxic argument he would ever know. There is now an air of poisonous volatility amid the hallowed corridors and tea rooms of the House of Commons. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife but that could never be sharp enough for some of his rebels and dissidents. Boris has literally crossed the line this time. You'd better believe it. He really pushed all the wrong buttons and the man has to leave by the tradesman's entrance immediately. 

The story goes like this. Former Deputy Chief Whip Chris Pincher was seen at a party. Yes folks one of those parties that Johnson so passionately denied the existence of during the coronavirus lockdown. Now Pincher of course was just being very high spirited and intoxicated. Let's not beat about the bush. He was completely drunk, broke every law in the land and then got carried away in the heady scent of alcohol. 

This is where things become the stuff of juicy, salacious gossip. Pincher, for whatever reason, thought it might be a good idea to wander over to a fellow reveller and grope him quite aggressively. Then Pincher became very physical with said male, started touching him in places he must have wished he hadn't, fondling the party goer and behaving in quite the most despicable fashion. We're not quite sure about the more intimate details of this unseemly encounter but we can only be relieved that a News of the World gossip writer hadn't been there to record what can only be regarded as a naughty dalliance.

Sadly, our doughty Prime Minister Boris Johnson had been informed of this less than savoury incident. But in retrospect, maybe Johnson should have been the last person to be consulted for his reaction. At first he had no knowledge of what had happened but vitally, a couple of days later had forgotten where he was when he heard about it and then wiped it from his mind although he thinks he knew  about the party. At the moment Johnson still thinks he's at Eton and one of the teachers has just given him Latin homework.

Interviewed by the BBC's Chris Mason yesterday Johnson looked around the room, waited to be interrogated and wondered whether a Peppa Pig story would rescue him from this dire predicament. So he feebly dipped into his famous anthology of excuses and bumbled around desperately for the appropriate phrases. The blond one from Uxbridge may well have thought he was just being unfairly persecuted for nothing in particular but even his body language was reminiscent of Coco the Clown.

So we sat and watched as Boris squirmed with embarrassment, apologised quite vehemently and then went through that routine where all the words fall out of your mouth and you wish the ground would just swallow you up. He bluffed his way convincingly through all the minefield of accusations, thought he'd escaped the worst that could follow only to find that his most influential colleagues had stabbed him in the back and the blood was still dripping from Johnson's suit.

This morning now former chancellor Rishi Sunak and former health secretary Sajid Javid, resigned from the Cabinet in a state of high dudgeon. In fact they were absolutely furious, incandescent with rage, seething with annoyance. The colleagues Johnson thought he could trust  had run for the hills, gone, left the front green benches and no longer wanted to be tarred by association with a Boris Johnson government. Shame on you Boris.

And as morning became afternoon and now evening, local and semi celebrated Tory backbenchers are telling Boris exactly where he can stick his job. What possessed him to be so absent minded, so foolish in the extreme, so lacking in honesty and understanding of the obvious. We'll now accuse the whole of Johnson's colleagues of a complete lack of transparency when they tell us something that is both dodgy and not quite right.

Still though Johnson sticks to his guns, the ridiculous assertion that he hadn't done anything drastically wrong. He may well have embellished the truth but then that has now become ingrained into the Johnson mentality anyway. Against a violent tide of rebellion, Johnson lives to fight another day. He wipes the shrapnel from his crumpled suit, tells everybody to get on with what they were doing before and just drop the subject. It's time to think of the dying and suffering in the Ukraine, get the British economy on its feet and try to make a full recovery from Covid 19. But you already know that so please let's not go over old ground. Mr Johnson will never tire of either London or the world. Be happy, everybody. Indeed we will.