Eurovision Song Contest

 Eurovision Song Contest.

Now admit it you're all looking forward to the yearly Eurovision Song Contest this Saturday evening with both breathless anticipation and the feverish enthusiasm we normally associate with Eurovision. This may sound like the most facetious comment you're ever likely to hear because here in Britain our expectations have become almost as realistic as they always have been in recent years. The fact of the matter is that the UK will probably never win the Eurovision Song Contest again if only because political differences of opinion are now so extreme that, if the nation registers a single point or two, we may be shocked.

For those of us who grew up with the Eurovision Song Contest that resignation to our fate and the obvious sense of gloomy foreboding that normally accompanies the whole farcical show, has now become firmly engrained in British culture for much longer than we thought it would. And yet we watched Eurovision with a weird kind of voyeurism in case we actually won the contest. Sadly, there has been nothing for well over a decade since Katrina and the Waves lit up European stages with a much acclaimed victory and a song called Love Shine A Light.

Since then, of course, humiliation would follow humiliation over and over again. In 1997 some of us had become a proud father for the second time and of course this took priority to any other consideration. Our delightful daughter Rachel was roughly a couple of weeks old when Katrina and the Waves dominated the Eurovision music scene. So in between cradling our beautiful girl in our arms we glanced over the cot and discovered that the UK were hitting the ball all over the park and producing the winning song on the evening.

Even now in retrospect it still seems as though that the rest of Europe was simply giving us the benefit of the doubt or maybe they must have felt desperately sorry for us. The fact was - and there never seemed a plausible explanation- the UK's Eurovision entries were either boring and disappointing or just, to put it simply, rubbish. Europe was never likely to admit as much but every year the UK were just tuneless and unmelodic, worthy and well intentioned but just below par, mediocre and just plain mundane. There was no getting away from it. Britain were just wasting their time and the documentary evidence is there for all to see.

The Eurovision Song Contest, in any context, was always some spectacular light show with the kind of pop music groups, singers, songs and musicianship that beggared belief at times. We must have known that it was a ridiculous charade of a show, an insult to our eyes and ears and, to some, perhaps, gloriously entertaining dross. But we know where we stand with Eurovision. It's just harmless frivolity that does no harm to anybody. Never should it be taken seriously by any aficionado of Euro music because we love to be amused, enlightened and just bewildered.

Any singing contest where all of the countries of Europe suddenly converge on a concert hall just to be heard in a vast auditorium of flags and noisy cheers must have something going for it. Here we gather at roughly this time of the year, as excited fans, wildly animated parties of Eurovision worshippers and just curious observers of the sublime and eccentric go crazy, jumping up and down with untrammelled jubilation. But nobody can give us the right answer. The fact is that the Eurovision Song Contest is light hearted entertainment on a colossal scale. It's frothy candy floss pop that transcends all musical boundaries and never disappoints. We adore it because it's the epitome of fun and we could all do with as much of that as we can possibly get.  

But who were we kidding? The UK could never hold a note let alone anything that could be remotely described as something that was pleasing on the ear, memorable or just very catchy. Eurovision was never designed for the professionals who just spend the rest of their year travelling the world, doing worldwide tours, eating, drinking and sleeping in hotels or constantly on the road. Eurovision was simply aimed at those aspiring band of singers and instrumentalists with stars in their eyes.

When Sandy Shaw, the bare footed singer from Dagenham in Essex, floated across a Eurovision Song Contest set, most of the UK were just flabbergasted and speechless. Do put some shoes on Sandy. It's common courtesy and decorum. You had to be impeccably dressed, properly respectful of Eurovision traditions and besides, that floor must have been extremely cold. But when did that matter? Sandy Shaw was representing the United Kingdom in the 1967 Eurovision Song Contest and that was a good enough reason to smile.

And believe it or not Sandy Shaw promptly won the Eurovision Song Contest for the UK. Beat that France, Germany, Italy, Greece, Turkey, Sweden and Finland. Yes we'd finally announced ourselves as a major superpower in Europe. Finally, Europe had seen sense and passed the most shrewd judgment on a competition that everybody loved to mock and ridicule. This was because the UK were somehow regarded as no hopers. But Sandy Shaw's Puppet on A String won quite impressively and there it was on our honours board.

In the ensuing period Lulu, the lively Scottish chanteuse, offered us Boom Bang a Bang which conformed to every Eurovision stereotype and won for the UK. Most of Britain had convinced itself that it would be a long time before the UK would ever trouble the scoring juries in any Eurovision Song Contest. How wrong we were since the unmistakable voice and presence of one Cliff Richard arrived on the Euro stage with a song called Congratulations and you can probably guess the rest. But no because this time Cliff's uplifting party song finished as runners up and we were robbed.

It took almost a decade for the UK to re-discover its bearings and assert its authority amongst the high society of Eurovision winners. In 1976, the whole of Britain found itself bathing in the most magnificent  heatwave that started at the beginning of the May of that year and eventually ended on an August Bank Holiday when thunder and lightning preceded the heaviest rainfall Britain had ever seen. There were hose pipe bans galore, gardens and parks that looked like concrete bowls and a public who could hardly believe what they were witnessing. But then the rains restored the grass and we could now mow the lawn again.

Earlier on in 1976 a two boys and girls group who called themselves The Brotherhood of Mann trotted onto a Eurovision stage with modest hopes perhaps but privately hoping that there was something about their offering Save All Your Kisses For Me that would light a bulb in European juries minds. In hindsight Save All Your Kisses For Me was just what the UK had been longing to hear for ages. Both boys and girls wore those cute white jackets and berets that just blew everybody away. It was a performance so perfectly choreographed and produced that it just seemed too good to be true. We can all remember the dancing routine because most of Europe had seen it and they were just entranced.

Then of course there were the empty years for the UK, the years where tumbleweed flew across British rooftops and chimney stacks and Eurovision became a by word for resounding failure. Five years after Save All Your Kisses For Me, there appeared another  two girls and boys ensemble. Suddenly it occurred to us that a precedent and pattern had now been set. If you take two men and two women and merge them into a Eurovision Song Contest, miracles could indeed happen and you never know. And so it proved.

A lovely boy and girl combination called Bucks Fizz performed Making Your Mind Up, illuminating Eurovision for reasons that became patently obvious. Half way through their routine Cheryl Baker and Jay Aston whipped off their skirts and there was a sharp intake of breath. For the sake of decency nothing else was revealed and thank goodness for that. You could only have imagined the reaction of one pure and puritanical Mary Whitehouse because disgusted from Didcot would have been penning letters of complaint for the rest of the year. But Making Your Mind Up was a clear, richly deserved Eurovision winner and the UK was back in business.

And yet it would take a further 16 years for the UK to send convulsions throughout Europe again. In 1997 Katrina and the Waves, a hitherto successful band who had already charted with Walking on Sunshine, gave Europe a sharp reminder of  the UK's singing prowess. But now Katrina and the Waves gave us Shine a Light which was somehow life affirming, upbeat, feelgood, optimistic and resonated with a Europe who would become very sceptical in years to come. Shine a Light had everybody up on their feet and prancing the night away regardless of the cynics. It won the Eurovision Song Contest by a continent rather than a mile.

Throughout the Eurovision Song Contest  the distribution of points between neighbouring countries has often been a source of amusement and giggly incredulity. There were the 12 points delivered between Norway and Finland or Sweden which may have suggested that the whole thing had been rigged anyway. We never did discover whether there was any real animosity between either of these Nordic rivals and whether one or more just hated and tolerated each other. There was the imbroglio between Greece, Turkey and Cyprus. To this day, you could never understand the favouritism or petty silliness which saw any of these Mediterranean giants of world music awarding either no points or a grudging one just to keep the peace for a while.

Finally just when we thought we'd cracked this Eurovision malarkey, we were denied a last gasp winner because the country who won it on the night were at war at the time. Poor Ukraine had just clinched a major triumph in the Eurovision Song Contest. But then the horrific realisation dawned on us. The country of Ukraine was being bombed and destroyed by a grizzly bear called Russia. To be more precise Vladimir Putin, their despicable and egregious President, had invaded the Ukraine and all of its surrounding cities, towns, villages, roads and streets. It was Eurovision's darkest moment.

So one Sam Ryder of the UK, bearded and permanently smiling, pushed Ukraine all the way valiantly for the UK but failed by a whisker. Spaceman finished as gallant runners up for the UK but then there was a cultural body blow. The winners from Ukraine won all of the sentimental votes for their country but it was decided that Britain was the only country who could safely hold the Eurovision Song Contest. Tragically there was nothing left standing in Ukraine so good old Britain came to the rescue.

But this Saturday, Eurovision returns to Sweden in Malmo. Sweden was the one country that had left an indelible impression on the Eurovision Song Contest 50 years ago. In Brighton, that sunny English seaside resort, a Swedish boy and girl group again took Europe by storm. Abba had been beaten the previous year at Eurovision in 1973 but persevered undaunted. They knew they had it in them to give us another a pleasant surprise. It would become a self fulfilling prophecy because Abba knew they would win.

Onto the stage leapt the boys Benny and Bjorn and the girls Agnetha and Anni Frid. Soon they would change the landscape of Eurovision for ever more. After winning the 1974 Eurovision Song Contest with Waterloo, Abba became a pop phenomenon, global superstars and a band immediately recognisable wherever they went in the world. Their singles and albums went gold and platinum almost immediately and soon their songs were on everybody's lips. Dancing Queen, Mama Mia, Fernando, Knowing Me Knowing You and of course Waterloo were massive hits and just lodged in our subconscious. Abba is now an immersive experience in the West End of London and their legacy is one that may never ever be forgotten.

So Ladies and Gentlemen prepare yourself for the Eurovision Song Contest. Strap yourself in for this emotional roller coaster and just watch it all with tongue in cheek if you want to have a quiet chuckle. We know Eurovision is all very politically suspicious and, some would say, amateurishly inept. But some of us are just enchanted by those hilarious commentators and the sense of absurdity that has to be admired. We love the Eurovision Song Contest because everybody loves to sing in the shower and besides it is TV at its most amusing, insightful and revealing. Is that 12 points for the UK or was it a figment of our imagination? Step forward Olly Alexander. This could be your evening. Let the show begin.