Goodbye Stan Bowles- the last of football's great playmakers.

 Goodbye Stan Bowles- the last of football's great playmakers.

With the death of Stan Bowles and the loss of almost the entire squad of England's 1966 World Cup winning heroes it would be easy to become morbid and morose, even despairing. The fact remains that football has almost lost its entire backbone in recent years and for those of us who grew up with the revered likes of Stan Bowles, Tony Currie, Frank Worthington, Rodney Marsh, the incomparable George Best, Alan Hudson and too many to mention let alone miss, their replacements or like may never be found.

Yesterday though Stan Bowles, a masterful playmaker of the highest quality, died peacefully at the age of 75, a body exhausted by the severities and rigours of smoking, drinking and late night boozy saturnalia. The truth is of course that Bowles burnt the midnight oil and then disobeyed all the laws, rules and regulations that he must have found so oppressively restrictive anyway. Bowles loved the night life and he loved to boogie.

Bowles embraced rebellion and non conformity in the way that most of his aforementioned contemporaries had done so openly. Bowles gained enormous pleasure from innumerable packets of cigarettes, betting on horses quite brazenly before a big match and doing the kind of things off the pitch that the moral majority would have found quite outrageous. He read football programmes when his team were about to take a corner, then resorted to the kind of debauched behaviour that local vicars would have found disgusting and disgraceful.

Firstly at Manchester City and then with much more distinction at Queens Park Rangers, Stan Bowles was the personification of the 1970s misfit, a bad boy who flaunted his flamboyance shamelessly on the pitch and then tried to pretend there was nothing wrong with his off field conduct. He was simply expressing himself quite beautifully and illustrating the game with some of the most attractive designs it had ever seen. Bowles was a natural expressionist, the clown prince, troubadour extraordinaire, the court jester who was convinced that life was to be enjoyed to the full.

At times though Bowles would become unmanageable to such an extent that certain managers simply tolerated his idiosyncrasies, the annoying quirks, the bad habits, the incessant refuelling and then the desperate attempts at reinvention on the pitch. Gordon Jago and Dave Sexton, his patient managers at QPR, must have been tearing their hair out at Bowles complete lack of self restraint, the tomfoolery, the comical confrontations with referees like Pat Partridge, Gordon Hill and Clive Thomas. Bowles must have thought the game was some hilarious joke and laughed at incessantly.

During one unforgettable season at Queens Park Rangers the West London side came agonisingly close to winning the old First Division, the League Championship in 1976. With the final two and three matches left to play in the season, Rangers were still in contention to clinch the trophy for the first time in their history. But then Liverpool, who were almost seasoned campaigners when it came to winning the First Division and League Championship, went to the Molyneux before thrashing Wolves 3-1 with goals from those Kevin Keegan and John Toshack halcyon days of wine and roses.

But Rangers and Bowles were there at the finishing line and almost sampled the most historic moment in the club's history. They finished as runners up to Liverpool but were agonisingly close to an achievement that may have changed everybody's perception of the club. Sadly, the Rangers team of Gerry Francis, a born leader of  men and Dave Thomas winging it with speed and blistering acceleration, were a side of all seasons, always positive and admirably ambitious.

Bowles though became disillusioned with the game and by his mid 30s the trickery and technique was still there but the immaculate ball control had now gone, the first touch deserting him almost alarmingly. He could still open up the opposition with an almost effortless nonchalance, a through ball that left most defenders gasping for breath and wishing they hadn't bothered chasing in the first place. The vision and instinctive awareness of his colleagues had always been in his mind, but the bigger picture was now just blurred and distorted by smoking, boozing, performing as the ultimate playboy and then blowing his wages on the cheap fripperies, the expensive coats, the flared trousers by the dozen and general, unnecessary ephemera.

By the time Bowles had joined Leyton Orient or Orient as they were known at the time, Stan The Man had now become a sad parody of his former self rather like the distinguished actor who just refuses to learn his lines. There was a lingering air of creativity about his game but poor Orient were simply offering Bowles a brief extension to his career and the Os just indulged him. Soon the glamour and grease paint had vanished. Bowles bowed out of the game and into a wilderness from which there would be no return.

In his final years Bowles would be swallowed up by the early stages of Alzheimer's disease which would show every sign of deterioration quite rapidly. In recent years there was the fund raising testimonial at Loftus Road where the great and good paid effusive homage to Stan Bowles. We remember though the wasted talent at international level when Don Revie just thought Bowles was too much of a loose cannon for England and more of a liability. There were five caps for England but most of us had tragically forgotten all about all those appearances.

Brian Clough, perhaps one of football's greatest managers, spotted Bowles unique ability to change the direction of a game with one incisive pass and feet that were sprinkled with stardust. Nottingham Forest would gamble with Bowles rebellious streak but once again Bowles went on his famous wanderings and although added to one of Forest's European Cup squad, never really seized the moment.

And then Bowles, by now handicapped by his now terminal disease, sporadically accepted the invitation to the after dinner circuit of speeches and stories. But the energy had been drained from him and Bowles looked more frail and weaker every time the camera snapped at the wrong time. Yesterday football lost another lovable rogue, a dashing cad and bounder, one of its many charming characters. He may well have been the last since the football room is getting emptier by the week, month and year. Of course we'll miss you Stan Bowles. That goes without saying.

The League Cup Final this weekend

 The League Cup Final this weekend.

This weekend marks the 64th anniversary of the old League Cup and it hardly seems like yesterday since the likes of Rochdale and Norwich City were flavour of the month in football's highest echelons. In the modern incarnation of the Carabao Cup, football now pays homage to Thai energy drinks and corporate greed on quite the most monumental scale of them all. Somehow football has forgotten about its genuine grassroots and those who were overlooked in the relentless pursuit of vast sums of money and even greater quantities of dosh and filthy lucre.

And so we find ourselves casting our minds back to the very inception of the League Cup when an FA old school traditionalist by the name of Alan Hardaker thought it a good idea to create a new competition. This was a time when there were only two TV channels in Britain, a pint of best bitter would probably have set you back a princely sum of a handful of shillings while petrol was so ridiculously cheap that you could probably take a family of four to the seaside without emptying your bank account.

True, Rochdale fitted perfectly the criteria of Hardaker's bold vision, a team languishing in the lowest dungeons of football's dank and dark lower regions. In fact Rochdale were so far removed from the old First Division old boys network that included Liverpool, Arsenal, Chelsea, Manchester United, Everton and Spurs that they may well have been living in modest and respectable semi detached, terraced houses off the East Lancashire Road compared to the penthouse suites of the top flight.

But the club who play their football at Spotland had somehow reached the miraculous heights of football's upper classes. Of course the League Cup was designed for teams completely outside the highest sphere of top class football. It was felt that football had to remember its poorer cousins, accommodating both its close acquaintances lower down the FA pyramid and hoping a red carpet would be rolled out to the honest toilers and less than star struck colleagues.

Over the weekend Mauricio Pochettino's Chelsea will face Jurgen Klopp's Premier League leaders Liverpool in one of the less prestigious Cup Finals of the season. Now for those of us who believe quite rightly that every football team deserves its day in the sun, Chelsea and Liverpool, although perfectly entitled to be at Wembley for the latest edition of the old League Cup Final, may have to be grateful for their lofty positions. Rochdale and Norwich City were indeed the first trailblazers and nobody should ever forget where they've come from.

It was roughly 20 years after its birth that the League Cup suddenly discovered the considerable financial benefits to be gained from just being the first springtime Cup Final of the season. We knew that there were the incentives and profits to be made and a place in the following season's UEFA Cup was no more than ample reward for their endeavours that season.

And then there was the Milk Cup, football just falling for the easy temptation of becoming grand mercenaries and attaching itself to what used to be one of the most favourite drinks of primary school children during an early morning break. Who could ever have predicted that the Milk Marketing Board would have anything to do with football? At the time of course none of us were really aware of the importance of sports sponsorship in relation to football. But by any other name it was still essentially the League Cup only this time football became helpless victims of circumstances. Or maybe this was just a dramatic sea change in the game's rapidly changing evolution.

Come the 1980s the Littlewoods Cup brought football into the world of iconic commerce, now a sport that had suddenly lent itself to a celebrated pools company. At the time nobody seemed to bat an eye lid since by now football had been well and truly overtaken by million pound retail companies and anybody prepared to throw lavish amounts of money into the game. It almost felt as if football had lost its moral bearings according to some but then there was the realisation that the game had to embrace new technologies and new commercial opportunities to keep up with the rest of other sporting institutions. The Littlewoods Cup was just the launch pad for greater things to happen in the game.

Then in more recent times we were confronted with the Rumbelows Cup which in retrospect almost sounds too antiquated for words. Rumbelows went out of business years ago as an electrical and electronic supplier that produced our radios and TVs in huge quantities. But then most of us would now probably regard as Rumbelows as relevant as gobstoppers in any discussion about football today.

During the early 1970s Spurs dominated the opening years of the League Cup. After two victories in early part of the decade over Norwich and Aston Villa, it was then Manchester City who clinched their first piece of silverware for well over a decade. City overcame Newcastle in the 1974 League Cup Final with that spectacular acrobatic bicycle kick from Dennis Tueart winning the trophy for City. It's hard to believe now of course but City were struggling to impose themselves as a top flight club back then so the irony is not lost on any of us.

In the 1980s Liverpool lifted the League Cup on several occasions while in perhaps the most improbable of all scenarios Swansea walked up the Wembley steps to pick up the now coveted League Cup with a comprehensive 5-0 victory over Bradford City. After West Brom had become the last team to win the old League Cup over two legs against West Ham in 1966 another London side, QPR became the first team to win the trophy a year later at Wembley Stadium when Mark Lazarus and a flamboyant showman named Rodney Marsh guided the Loftus Road club to triumph over West Brom again.

And so to the present day. Still the League Cup or the Carabao Cup continues to be regarded with a certain amount of belly laughter and derision. It still has a certain amount of clout and prestige in the eyes of some but this weekend Liverpool will be aiming to add another trophy to their hugely impressive cabinet while Chelsea will be trying to find some kind of momentum and impetus to an otherwise ropy and disjointed season. These two have already met in an FA Cup Final so they certainly have history but the old League Cup is not something to be dismissed as a poor relation to the FA Cup. It still matters to those who believe it to be a passport into Europe. Rochdale, for their part, will never forget it. 

Prescot- a shining jewel.

 Prescot- a shining jewel.

Liverpool is the city where unparalleled greatness was once born. It came out into the world as the bonniest baby you've ever seen and it never stopped believing, retaining the faith, a city where dreams grew up and then flourished in a way that we would never have thought possible after the Second World War and certainly not before the Swinging Sixties or the austerity of Post War Britain. There was also the greyness that surrounded the 1950s, where the Albert Dock must have looked very dull and sorrowful. But then everything was bleak and dreary anyway so the whole of Merseyside had to be forgiven. Hitler and his cronies had left Liverpool in tatters and broken hearted so now was the time for unashamed celebration.

Then there was the explosion of hope, colour, personality, prosperity, pop music and the boy band who were just irrepressible and then became world famous for an entire decade. The 1960s was that seminal point in British history where a city's culture and heritage would undergo a life changing facelift. Music had moved into the neighbourhood and a once severely damaged city flowed with nectar and ambrosia, the sweetest sounds in the world and a powerful message to the rest of the world. 

And suddenly the world had discovered the Beatles, the Fab Four, John, Paul, Ringo and George, a female singer with the most distinctive voice by the name of Cilla Black and a comedian who had hitherto reached the height of his powers. His name was Jimmy Tarbuck and he would dominate the showbusiness fraternity for decades after his first angelic appearance as a young gag teller on Sunday Night at the London Palladium. It was TV entertainment at its finest and the only show where devout Sunday church goers would rush home from prayer and worship after Mass just to watch the television.

Then there was Gerry and the Pacemakers, a band so vibrant, happy-go lucky and infectiously enthusiastic that by the time they came off the stage, their audiences were still smiling, humming, clicking their fingers and cheering from the rafters. Sadly, Gerry Marsden, who had established such a firm stronghold in the nation's hearts, died a couple of years ago so we would never know how far their popularity would take them. Ferry Across the Mersey and You'll Never Walk Alone would become notable achievements in the band's repertoire. Legendary status would be conferred on Gerry and the Pacemakers and they would never look back.

But last week my lovely wife Bev and I paid a flying visit to Prescot, a neat, compact, comfortable and tightly knit community who go about their business in much the way they'd always done so. Prescot is a friendly, welcoming Liverpool suburb and lies in a small pocket of England's rich tapestry. It never bothers, upsets or offends anybody because Prescot is very modest and self deprecating, completely apart from the hectic convulsions and overwhelmingly deafening noises of the big city. Prescot is quiet, simple, unfussy, never troubled or troublesome, just agreeable and working at its own pace.

We were there to see our wonderful son Sam and daughter in law Lucy, our wonderful grandson Arthur in an immensely satisfying week which included a riverboat ferry across the Mersey and the Gerry Marsden Ferry site, so appropriately called. Our journey took us on a round trip of the Mersey, passing the celebrated Liver Birds  building and dockyard sights that were once home to, quite possibly, vast quantities of sugar, tobacco, tea and coffee. The Industrial Revolution had now come and gone and Liverpool would, several decades later, come alive with a magical and melodious vibe. It felt almost too good to be true.

Meanwhile in Prescot we were finding new smells, fresh fragrances and local attractions that somehow belong to Prescot. On one walk we came across Prescot Cables FC, a football club so small that it wouldn't have appeared on any radar had we not known it was there in the first place. But Precot Cables FC was just stupendously charming and just traditionally enchanting. You looked up at these giants of football's Non League pyramid and found that all is well in North West England.

In front of us two beautifully painted doors and turnstiles just stood there proudly and nobly. Next to these stunning pieces of architecture there was a row of terraced houses that reminded you of Premier League newcomers Luton Town, whose snug Kenilworth Road ground can be accessed through back alleys and quaint, quiet roads completely undisturbed by the stampeding footsteps of Manchester City, Arsenal, Chelsea, Spurs, Manchester United and, of course Liverpool.

Prescot's ground sits peacefully next to the most beautiful wall adorned by floral graffiti and bird life. The wall had artistically striking flowers that just took the breath away. Out of the corner of your eye you could see the most delicious illustration of a red ladybird flirting with Mother Nature. A walk through Prescot's shopping centre did come as a shock to the system. On Monday morning it was more or less empty, completely deserted and there were very few people in sight. Admittedly, most of Prescot was at work, school or university so this may have been a totally misleading impression.

Of course there were the familiar Turkish barbers, bakeries galore, nail bars in profusion, bookmakers taking well calculated bets from the public, vegan cafes, cheap Poundland bargain shops and butchers selling chicken, beef and lamb by the lorryload. There was nothing out of the ordinary or surprising about these local retail treasure troves. But despite the rain we all had the grandest of times and back at home we tucked into our meat pies and bread with enormous relish.

At the moment Liverpool is enjoying an immense renown if only because of its historic associations to light entertainment, stars that shone and still shine with a luminescence that may never ever fade from view. The Albert Dock is busy, bustling, the Maritime museum, a building that told the story of Merseyside with a moving eloquence and admirable detail. There were the shops situated on leisurely walk ways that resembled bridges. Then there were the charity shops and homely tea shops with sandwiches and cakes on offer all day and every day or so it seemed.

But Prescot made you laugh and smile, giggle and chuckle. Prescot never hits the news headlines for any particular reason nor does it ever make you feel inferior or inadequate. Prescot is happy to say hello to you without any questions asked. It is both inclusive, patient and understanding, never judgmental or critical because it just feels obliged to be civil. The houses are straight backed and respectable, the people straightforward and practical  while also oozing warm authenticity and politeness by the hour, minute, week, month and year. It is Britain at her prettiest and most uplifting and our family week was now over.

On our final day in Prescot we kissed our gorgeous grandson Arthur and set off to Wigan railway station for the return journey back to London, Euston. Sometimes your faith in humanity is completely restored by the things we tend to take for granted. And then there are the moments when your hearts are captured by the Beatles statue on the Albert Dock, now a tourist magnet that has to be acknowledged because those from distant continents and countries will always be fascinated by the Merseyside beat.

We said farewell to our wonderful son Sam and daughter in law Lucy because they are our family, precious, adored and adorable and how blessed and grateful Bev felt. Prescot had made us feel like royalty and we were utterly appreciative. We'd never heard of Prescot but it almost felt as if we knew it like an old friend or some cheerful uncle who keeps telling the same jokes and probably knows you better than you know yourself. Prescot, thanks for being brilliant.  

  

Ian Lavender dies at 77

 Ivan Lavender dies at 77.

The death of Ian Lavender marks the end of a generation of TV sitcoms the like of which may never be seen again. Lavender, who played Private Pike in the long running, much loved and immensely popular sitcom Dad's Army, was the last of the great and well drawn comedy characters that kept us entranced for so many decades. 

Back in 1968 Jimmy Perry and David Croft were looking for an original take on the life changing and tempestuous events that so completely devastated not only all of Britain but the entire globe. The Second World War would probably have been considered the last subject for a spot of light hearted fun and ridicule but Perry and Croft thought otherwise and Dad's Army was certainly not just a vehicle for cheap jokes about Hitler or Churchill.

But it worked and worked successfully and consistently despite the withering critics and doubters. Private Pike was a simple, wimpish, downtrodden, childish and emotionally vulnerable character who almost felt as if the world seemed to be ganging up against him. But Lavender's beautiful portrayal of a young soldier in Captain Mainwaring's well drilled and disciplined army was a complete joy to behold. Lavender was depicted as  charmingly naive and persistently picked upon by those who dismissed him as some weak, lily livered man with no backbone.

Private Pike frequently sought the approval and validation of John Le Mesurier's often pompous and dispassionate Captain Wilson. Le Mesurier's character was a snobbish, toffee nosed, cold and aloof man who could never quite express his emotions and almost felt quite repressed. Pike loved his uncle though and, with scarf around his neck and a pleasantly engaging manner, just seemed very content and always looking to prove his point in any heated argument.

During the 1970s BBC One produced a similarly gentle and inoffensive comedy hero who just wanted to please people around him and just ingratiate himself  with those who thought of him as a failure in life and buffoon. Michael Crawford's memorable Frank Spencer was just the most endearing of sitcom characters who never seemed to get it right and was always pleading with wife Betty to accept him for who he was. Crawford's mannerisms and protestations of innocence when criticism just seemed to be aimed at him were typical of British comedy at the time. Lavender likewise was just part of the same furniture.

Who of course will ever forget the famous prisoner of war sketch in Dad's Army when Pike, facing Mainwaring - Arthur Lowe, was questioned by a German officer? After a series of interrogations from the Philip Madoc character, Pike launched into a frivolous song about Hitler at which point Mainwaring who had insisted that Pike not reveal his name, accidentally spilled out Pike's name at which point hilarity from the studio audience ensued.

We may never see the likes of Ian Lavender again in a sitcom that captured the hearts of a nation who suddenly began to see the Second World War in a completely new light. And now you suspect, the BBC, in its infinite wisdom, will show yet more repeats of Dad's Army ad infinitum. The irony now though is that from time to time, the Beeb are now showing the early black and white episodes. But the legend of Dad's Army will continue to heighten our consciousness of the most inhumane, violent and destructive period of the 20th century. Pike though was the young squaddie who just wanted to be respected and never excluded by polite company. Ian Lavender- how could we ever forget you? Pike was everybody's friend. 

What to make of the world?

 What to make of the world.

You'd have thought that, after millions of years of civilisation, humanity might have got it right. Maybe in retrospect Eve should have chosen a different kind of fruit when Adam was given that famous apple. We should have known that there was trouble brewing even then but we failed to heed the warnings and now the world looks as though it's heading inexorably towards the land of evil, ruination and complete catastrophe.

This morning we awoke to conflicts in Paris, France, barbaric acid attacks on those people who were simply minding their own business and the USA sending back reprisal attacks on Iran after three soldiers were brutally killed just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. At any other time of the year this would have been considered as just another bad day in the office for mankind but these violations and abominations are now familiar, everyday occurrences and nobody bats an eye lid.

Of course we are not quite in hell in a handcart territory but it does seem at times that we've completely lost any kind of moral compass, remorse, self awareness and are now just resigned to a constant sequence of bloodthirsty murders, inhumane attacks on our civil liberties and war after war. In hindsight this has always been the case so why do we express surprise when thousands of people die day after day and are then stabbed to death repeatedly because they don't like you and this is the only recourse or option left open to us?

One day we may well fling open our curtains or blinds to another day and discover that this whole business of murdering and killing our fellow human being is futile and not worth the bother. The sight of US president Joe Biden standing next to his wife in a grievous state of mourning and loss for the death of three American soldiers is heavy with poignancy and we have seen all of this before so many times throughout the decades. 

For what now seems like an eternity innumerable political figures and leading heads of state have bowed their heads in shame at the despicable loss of life, the unprovoked assaults that have inevitably led to tear stained family funerals. If only they'd stopped bombing us much earlier on in the conflict the outcome could well have been completely different. When Tony Blair was Prime Minister there were the outrages of Afghanistan and Iraq to cope with and understand. So we just looked on with revulsion and just wished it would end as soon as possible.

Further back in time we saw a brave and defiant Margaret Thatcher wrestling desperately with the seemingly insoluble IRA troubles in Northern Ireland. The insufferable deaths, explosions, chronic religious divisions engendered by Protestant and Catholic communities, now feels like ancient history. But the Good Friday agreement eventually flourished beautifully like an early row of spring tulips and Blair eventually got all the deserved credit because he just happened to be Prime Minister at the time.

There were the savage fatalities inflicted in Kosovo and Bosnia during the early 1990s and you could go on but that would only be pouring fuel onto a festering wound. The hurt, endless pain and suffering and tragedy that war brings along with it can never be quantified, nor explained, even justified. We just keep falling into the dark cesspit of personal animosity and then feebly apologise every hundred years or so. And even then we retreat into our shell in shamefaced contrition because war with our neighbours seemed unavoidable.

We never seemed to ask any questions because those long held feuds and disagreements couldn't be settled through any other means. So they loaded up our ammunition, bullets, launched their bombs from different locations and strategic encampments and then turned the gun on the poor unsuspected innocents who just happened to be in the way and are injured fatally at times. Now from where the social and historical commentators stand this is quite the most horrific and painfully harrowing narrative that some of us have ever seen in our lifetimes.

Where are we now? There was Vietnam during the 1960s when thousands of American soldiers perished in the most gruesome, unbearably unnecessary and violent war of them all. The late, great Robin Williams portrayal of a local radio DJ emotionally and physically drawn into the killing fields and explosive battle grounds of Vietnam, is now a cinematic masterpiece. Then there was Tom Hanks extraordinarily brilliant depiction of a kid with severe learning and physical disabilities who emerges from childhood difficulties and then defies all the odds. Forest Gump was a wonderful metaphor for triumph in the face of adversity and none of us will ever forget this epic film.

But then we come back to the present day and try to rationalise with current day events? At times it almost feels as if the human race simply can't control all of that internal aggression that boils up inside us whenever we see injustice or inequality. So we rise up in revolt convinced that our territory has been invaded, lines have been crossed, boundaries broken and therefore we may be left with no alternative. But then we take a deep breath and consider the possibilities. We could exercise self restraint and discipline by holding back, taking stock for a while and just remember where we are.

And yet today it all seems so dreadfully inevitable. We switch on our TVs, radio and electronic screens and everything has an urgency and immediacy to it all, almost a shuddering finality to it. If it isn't a neighbourhood squabble or some vicious sex offender then it's an old warehouse set alight for insurance purposes. A young girl was senselessly murdered recently and the image is now very telling. The motive is beyond our comprehension and maybe we'll never know.

Suddenly the world's Press descended on a quiet street or road in suburbia, the police cordons have gone up, tents erected and a ghastly silence has fallen over Middle England. She was a sweet little girl, caring, kind, understanding, generous, considerate and sensitive. But nobody really cared about such wholesome qualities because somebody had a nasty grudge against her and just wanted some ridiculous revenge.

So here we are at the beginning of February and it may as well be any other month during the calendar year. The fact is that while the world keeps spinning, there will continue to be terrorists at loose and cold hearted and calculated criminals who will stop at nothing to maim, kill, destabilise, disrupt and play havoc with our ordered, serene lives. By the end of the day yet more casualties and loved ones will no longer be allowed to tell their life story because warped minds just had to attack them without thought, feeling or regard.

It is to be hoped and wished that one day that humans will come to senses and just keep the faith if only because even they may not know the reason why they believe. Of course we have our precious and loving families around us but the news agenda is incessantly negative, downbeat, almost programmed to shock, scare, upset and then leave us feeling devastated and heartbroken. It may be too much to expect anything less but some of us are optimistic enough to think that something good and positive may well happen within the next five minutes. 2024 has to be the year for the feelgood factor wherever you are and whatever you're doing. So come on world, it's time to put on a happy face and smile since there's no charge for it, as my lovely dad used to say. 

Far East cruising holiday and travelling

 Far East cruising holiday.

We all know that travelling the world can not only broaden our horizons but it can also take you to far off distant lands that years and years ago would have probably seemed unimaginable. How often did we think that a simple journey to Majorca, Benidorm or the Costa del Sol, Costa Brava or Blanca would now develop into a thriving and highly lucrative tourist industry that could sweep us off our feet and take us much further than Spain or Italy?

We must have felt like pioneers or trailblazers because little did we know it at the time but, within the space of a couple of decades, the very concept of going on holiday abroad would undergo a radical facelift. Suddenly we were on another continent in another remote corner of the world where the time differences were entirely different and the locations were even more stunning than we could ever have dreamt of  in our imagination.

And so it was that my lovely wife Bev and yours truly have just returned from one of the most delightful, magical and spectacular holiday for many a year. Some of us were convinced that nothing could ever match the timeless Latin beauty and splendour of Brazil a couple of years ago but how wrong we were. It was our cruising holiday of a lifetime, a holiday that none of us would ever have believed possible way back then. 

We've come a long way since those halcyon days when both the BBC and ITV would give us a tantalising insight of packaged holidays to Spain that set us back the princely sum of £30 for 10 days in Majorca in circa 1974 with bed, breakfast, lunch and tea thrown in for good measure. And that included everything. As a kid you felt enormously privileged to be part of this great crusade, this exciting journey into the unknown. You were wandering around Luton airport at some unearthly hour with your lovely mum and dad and brother brimming with anticipation and wondering about what would happen next.

It only seems like yesterday since this wide eyed kid from a quiet suburb of Essex in Ilford would climb the steps of a Monarch aeroplane at breakfast time and embark on the most enthralling adventure into the Iberian peninsula. None of us knew what to expect and for a while it almost felt like some breath taking adventure into some country that you'd only heard about on elaborate TV advertising campaigns or the multitude of travel agency brochures available on the high street.

But then the likes of Cliff Michelmore on the BBC holiday programme or Judith Chalmers and Chris Kelly of the commercial ITV Thames channel would invite themselves into our living rooms. Chalmers and Kelly's programme was called Wish You Were Here but this had nothing to do with 1960s rock band Pink Floyd whose album title had exactly the same name. The Holiday programme and Wish You Were Here were our breezy introduction to Spain, our definitive guide book and learning curve into a world of fun, easy living and completely uninhibited enjoyment.

It was a world occupied by glamorous looking hotel bedroom balconies, pin ball machines in the main reception areas, warm sunshine that was guaranteed and the type of food and drink that none of us had ever seen let alone tasted. It was a world of bullfighting day trips, sangria tasting, excursions to caves, astonishing avenues filled with cafes, restaurants and bars, historic buildings in new territories and so much more. We were flabbergasted and once my mum and dad had settled my very young brother and your self by the hotel swimming pool, the day was our oyster to misquote another cliche.

And then it was that in your naivete and ignorance that you spent the best part of the day sunbathing in Benidorm, hour after hour of exposure to the unrelenting rays of hot tropical sunshine where the temperatures poolside would almost nudge 100 degrees Fahrenheit. By the end of the day some of us were red as beetroots or British post boxes, burnt as the traditional steak and crying out for soothing Calamine lotion that would reduce the severity of the pain our skin was quite clearly feeling.

In those days of course we had no idea how quaint and innocent those holidays were at the time. Some of us loved to swim for most of the day while my lovely dad would caress the discerning ears of the British tourists with a tape of Herb Alpert's melodious trumpet. We hardly moved at all from our position near the sun loungers which may have been accepted as the norm. From time to time, though we might have considered a gentle stroll around the local shops but then decided it was much easier to chill out and relax.

But almost 50 years later and our tastes and habits have changed to such a dramatic extent that even a holiday to Spain in May may be snobbishly dismissed as unadventurous. Now we have the disposable income to jump onto a plane or sail from a cruise vessel in the sure knowledge that countries like Japan, the USA, Brazil, Argentina, Australia and India are very much the fashionable di rigeur on our holiday itinerary.

We think nothing of travelling to exotic global locations where there are more palm trees than ever before and everything seems so much bigger and slightly overwhelming. The height of holiday culture and luxury is the Seychelles, Maldives, the Borneo rainforests, Bahli, the Caribbean, the Bahamas and Barbados, deserted islands surrounded by tea and banana plantations and former British colonies where the latest news may have to be relayed by the BBC World Service.

So with that thought in mind my wife and I left on our latest cruise vacation to the Far East, a place we'd only known as a result of revealing documentaries on the TV. We knew that the distinguished broadcaster, journalist and reporter Alan Whicker had opened our eyes up to geisha ladies wearing colourful kimonos and junk boats bobbing buoyantly by the quayside in some Hong Kong idyll. We were now living that dream, fulfilling it and then discovered that there was much more than met the eye. 

There were the local customs, the polite, deferential behaviour, the impeccable manners, the delicate tea drinking ceremonies and then the religious sanctuaries where everything was quiet, simple, undemanding, almost charming and, above all, immensely enjoyable as well as being insightful. There were the solicitous and attentively caring porters who carried our suitcases and bent over backwards to help us whenever assistance was required, permanent smiles on their faces.

My wife Bev and I landed in Bangkok on the first leg of our over a fortnight on the Norwegian Jewel cruise vessels almost beside ourselves with inquisitive natures and convinced that it could hardly get any better. For the best part of half a day we strode around the streets and roads of Bangkok and then just bombarded with glorious symbolism and mesmerising sights. But then we realised that it would probably have taken us the best part of the year to visit every single attraction that Bangkok had to offer and just absorbed everything and anything that made us smile and laugh. 

So there we were in Bangkok, taken aback breathlessly by bold, beautiful and eye boggling advertising hoardings, electronic interactive images that flashed and dazzled almost incessantly. Bangkok was simply a giant endorsement for everything that was commercial, instantly pleasing to the eye, immediately accessible and just gargantuan. The cynics might have called it vulgar, materialistic and garish but those were not the thoughts that entered our minds.

After a relaxing boat trip, we disembarked at another port for yet another river boat experience in the heat and darkness of another blissful day in the land of the mystical Orient. Wherever we looked there were the familiar red lanterns which will shortly be gracing the streets for the Chinese New Year. We proceeded to sail down a river helping ourselves to a lavish buffet. By now it all seemed barely believable but in the land of the rising sun we felt like honoured guests at some royal banquet.

And then there was Vietnam. The tragic catastrophes that have now befallen Vietnam are now well documented. There was the obscene savagery and bloodshed of the Vietnam war where much of the 1960 became the most horrendous killing grounds ever seen in recent history. We visited the famous tunnels of Vietnam where thousands of soldiers once hid with terror on their faces. We were told that those with any respiratory disease were not to be allowed or not encouraged to go into so we didn't. The one abiding image and sound of Vietnam of that first visit was that of the deafening gun fire and shots from a shooting range but this was beyond fascinating.

Our following day in Vietnam was dominated by religion. For most of the day we were guided around by gorgeous temples and seemingly hundreds of Buddha figures in gold. Now we were in chocolate box territory, our eyes transfixed by Buddhas decorating both inside the shrines and outside as well. Time was when this was the way it had always been for centuries. The fragrant smell of incense and joss sticks drifted past our sensitive noses, small tendrils of smoke curling gently into the air. We were then allowed to take as many photos as possible and the opportunity seemed too good to turn down.

And then it was the turn of Thailand, simply one of the most remarkable and memorable of experiences. Firstly it was another day of marvellous museums, more Buddha temples and thousands of tourists slowly immersing themselves in holiday paradise land. By the end of our day we thought we'd seen everything a holiday could offer but then one of the many outstanding highlights emerged and it was simply unforgettable.

Arriving in Phuket, our guide took us to some distinctly disappointing and underwhelming jewellery shop where quartz and diamond were displayed quite prominently. It felt like one of the most pathetic let downs of the holidays so far. Besides who goes all the way to a jewellery shop in Thailand when London can boast the ultimate displays of jewellery in Hatton Garden? But we persevered with Phuket because we knew what we were about to experience.

Just after lunch our coach stopped off an elephant sanctuary that just left my wife and I speechless with astonishment and wonder. A small group of elephants were just waiting for us to arrive and we knew would never let us down. There was Sidney, the baby elephant who stole our hearts, Grandma with her noble and imperious air and the playful Lucy who some of us wanted to embrace lovingly for the entire day. Now we got down to the serious business. Before we knew it we were mixing rice and chewy dough like substances and that's when we knew that nothing could ever match this sensation. And yet it did by a country mile. 

Soon we were being confronted with buckets of unpeeled bananas, thick sticks of sugar cane and everything to leave our elephant friends completely satisfied. These elephants were just ravenous but their appetites were simply off the scale. Every so often elephant tongues would loll out languidly and just swallow up as much food as it was possible to eat. This became a source of huge amusement to the visitors and we, as tourists, could hardly have believe what was happening to us. But that indeed had been a day to remember for the rest of our lives.

After a brief visit to seductively romantic stop off in Singapore, my wife specifically insisted we visit the famous Raffles hotel. Here many a classic author from the early 20th century had laid down their hats just to savour the rich baroque furniture, the marble columns and the restaurants that would probably have set you back a second mortgage had you thought about investing. There was the celebrated Singapore Sling, the poshest of cocktails, the five star treatment, the significant air of art deco and plush magnificence, the majestic history that now left us spellbound.

And then there were several more visits to Malaysia, exquisite Malaysia the one country in the world that some of us must have thought we'd never ever get to visit. This ticked off your bucket list of dreamscapes. Once again we witnessed yet more Buddhas but on one of our final days some of us genuinely felt as if you'd never again witness something that was so spiritually uplifting.

Lowering ourselves into a speedboat we sat down and then for whatever reason, raced at frightening speed across a river for a spot of island hopping. Now to say that some of us felt as our whole life force had been sucked out of us would be a gross understatement. You weren't quite sure how to react but at frequent points in our journey the top and bottom of your body felt like a washing machine being spun and bumped around at almost bewildering speeds. Your stomach was by now half way between Hong Kong and Japan but hey this was part of the fun. So we ventured to some forested adventure trail with thousands of steps where an elusive lake proved too far to travel. And then there was roughly half an hour on some sandy beach where we drank coconut juice. It sounds good, doesn't it and it was brilliant.

And then we were treated to what felt like the most amazing experience. We were now taken to the king's palace in Thailand. What happened to us next was entirely unexpected and wondrously surprising. Our tour guide had told us that the king of Thailand was about to go for a drive around his kingdom. So we were told to move to the side of this palatial building as King Abdul of Thailand glided serenely out of his residence in a small but perfectly formed palace. What an afternoon and what a day.

In a blink of an eye and finally there was the capital city of Malaysia. Kuala Lumpur means the river meeting mud and it was just a golden vision before us. We got out of our tour guide's car and stared up at  the kind of architecture that any other city throughout the world would be proud to be associated with. The Twin Towers is just the most extraordinary structure, a towering, glittering homage to wealth and finance. It was so tall and visually astounding that adjectives and metaphors would do it scant justice. Next to the Twin Towers were yet more buildings that soared beautifully into the blue summer sky of Kuala Lumpur, an Asian jewel that seemed priceless.

On our plane back to England we began to reflect on our cruise to the mystic East and were almost speechless. It was everything and more that we'd ever hoped it would be. At an airport in Malaysia we gathered our thoughts and out of the corner of your eye, dawn broke softly over the Far East. You reached out for yet more superlatives but then decided that life was and always would be sweet. 

National Healthy Weight Day.

 National Healthy Weight Day.

You know what's it like don't you? You wake up on the first day of a New Year and you take a long self critical look at your stomach, the midriff you believe is rapidly expanding every time you eat a flapjack, a bowl of muesli or the latest bar of chocolate that is supposed to be good for you but quite clearly isn't. So what do you do? There is a moment of self examination, a frustrated grunt of disapproval and then the guilt, the overwhelming guilt, the obsessive determination to cut out the carbs and then go on that legendary diet.

You beat up yourself mentally, reprimanding yourself severely, telling yourself off over and over again but it won't achieve anything because you're the one who got themselves into this state in the first place. You'd eaten vast quantities of Christmas turkey, roast potatoes, brussels sprouts, far too many tins of chocolate biscuits and sweets, eaten at least 10 Christmas puddings in just one afternoon and don't even get us onto the delicate subject of crisps and cheese and crackers. Here we have  everything relating to chronic cholesterol because that's just bad news and besides who needs that when pangs of regret are still gnawing at you? 

But what are you going to do about these raging, conflicting discussions on diet, exercise and stringent, disciplined and healthy eating and no more alcohol at least until next Christmas? You panic because you're suddenly confronted with so many private dilemmas. Do you just cut out bread, meat, cheese, full English breakfasts, fish and chips and pizzas for the rest of your life or do you slump despondently in the corner of your sofas and reluctantly accept defeat. That is the question why or so a literary giant by the name of William Shakespeare once said.

Now we've all heard about the art of moderation, finding that elusive happy medium of not eating so many heavy portions of food that just leave us feeling bloated and just eating the right amount. It's a difficult balancing act because although we blame comfort eating for our discomfort around the waist, we just love to reward ourselves for just the simple act of enjoying food and drink. But then after eating  seemingly excessively over the festive period we begin to think we've committed the ultimate crime. This has got to stop because if we keep looking for snacks in the fridge or that packet of peanuts which are surely harmless then things will get worse and the road to ruination can only follow.

So what to do? Yes let's think about that old chestnut. We'll take out our yearly subscription for the gym, the sweat factory, the exercise room, that clanking, metallic noisy sanctuary where the sound of heaving, growling and grunting, groaning and fiercely determined athletes let off steam. For decades now we go through that same familiar procedure. We empty our pockets of loose change, break into our accounts before embarking on that journey. It's time to get fit convincing yourself that the stones we've piled on almost inevitably over Christmas have to be removed immediately or sooner rather than later.

This is what some would regard as our customary vanity project. But surely not. We just need to feel better about yourself and if you get on that gym bike and rowing machine, those hundreds of dumb bells and machinery will strengthen the core muscle group in our arms, chests and legs. Before we know it, we'll all resemble Arnold Schwarzenegger at the height of his Mr Universe days as the most muscular man in the world. Get that six pack and that flat as an ironing board tummy before it degenerates into floppy flesh.

Oh but no this is just an urban myth. All of those remarkably popular gyms are just a smoke screen. There's nothing wrong with being slightly overweight and obese because all we need to do is stop eating these cheese and onion crisps at 9.30 in the evening. It's simple and straightforward. You will lose vast quantities of weight by the pound and stone, look like an Adonis, gorgeously proportioned, fit as a fiddle and ready to embark on several marathons around the world.

But the temptation is irresistible. Why kick those fast foods, drinking and smoking into touch since these are hard wired vices, things we shouldn't be doing but then do because we've always done this? Those cream cakes, Danish pastries, chocolate chip cookies and lashings of apple crumble with custard for dessert are just there on the dinner table and that buffet in a hotel has to be eaten in one sitting- the lot.

Then come the private concerns with our bodies, the desperate need for restraint, cutting out the sugary additives that are cunningly hidden away on the back of packets. There's the small writing which, if you look  properly will reveal that you shouldn't be consuming whatever it is that you must never eat again. Now we can't drink those Fruit of Forest bottles of juice because they're just overflowing with sugar, allegedly healthy saccharine. But we'll just accumulate the stones and pounds and we'll find yourselves wrestling with diet fads, reading recipes for healthy teas or suppers in newspapers, sticking to rigorous regimes and constant advice about eating more carrots, lettuces, tomatoes and cucumbers, plenty of vegetables and olive oils on our salads. It's enough to drive you crazy but it has to be done.

Eminent doctors, food scientists, nutritionists and educationalists are forever telling us that if we eat to bursting point we'll invariably end up at Accident and Emergency hospitals or clinics in the certain knowledge that you may have to wait ages before we're seen. The NHS and the unbearably onerous strain on their resources are just part of the news agenda. Soon they may never be able to cope anymore but  they did give us ample warning.

The experts are always telling us that we have to get out there and walk, run, swim, go to the gym, swim the Atlantic if possible. They accuse us of leading lazy, sedentary lifestyles and we refuse to exercise more regularly. They keep warning us about the dangers of over indulgence, of too many greasy chips, pizzas by the lorryload and an assortment of other fatty comestibles. We don't live in ignorance because the media advertising campaigns about physical health are now almost constant so let's be good to our waistlines. Or just an invigorating walk around the park a dozen times.

In a world where Alzheimer's disease, cancer and Parkinson's disease are now salutary reminders of our mortality and fragility, a healthy weight day has to be considered and acknowledged by all and sundry. We all need to look after both our mental and physical health because life is beautiful and the sanctity of life can never be overlooked. 

So let's get out there and just do those press ups, keep active, pre-occupied, take your dog for a walk and just enjoy the great outdoors. You've seen the campaigns so let's put it into practise. It's National Healthy Weight Day. The opportunity is there and let's seize the day as a gifted American comedian once said.