England beat Andorra 5-0 in World Cup qualifier.

 England beat Andorra 5-0 in World Cup qualifier.

Oh well, it's almost done and dusted. England strolled, then swaggered, then executed a couple of Viennese waltzes, whipped themselves into a tango frenzy, marched confidently to a military two step and then polished off little Andorra as if they were just poles on one of the nearby skiing slopes. This was clearly not a football match. In fact it reminded you of one of your office five-a-sides in a Power League setting. By the time our Ukranian lady referee had blown the whistle for full time some of us had just woken up such was the lopsided nature of this World Cup qualifier. 

True, England beat Andorra 5-0 but this match was about as gripping as wallpaper or a tedious exercise in sheer futility. From the very first whistle the air of predictability was so palpable that some of us must have known that this was just a case of damage limitation. There came a point during the match when you could actually hear some of the windows being shut in what looked like very modern, art deco apartment blocks or they may have been office buildings.

It is hard to imagine what England were doing in a tiny country that should have been preparing itself for the tobogganing season or slaloming around the slopes in the depths of winter. Maybe they were watching from their chalets or just enraptured on their cable cars via their Tablets. Or perhaps they were drinking from their first glass of Schnapps of the season, a tantalising refreshment or two to lift sagging spirits. 

Still, England are in the business of picking up valuable points in their quest to reach the World Cup Finals in Qatar at the end of next year. So this was vitally important. Once again you find yourself questioning the logic behind England's inclusion in a World Cup qualifying group that even a Hackney Marshes 11 would have been capable of handling and succeeding in. England are in a group comprising of Andorra, Albania and San Marino. Can we safely book the plane to Saudi Arabia now?

There can be no room for patronising comments but Andorra are highly unlikely to upset any established order and last night the evidence were there for all to see. For the whole 90 minutes of last night's no-contest  if Andorra touched the ball once it would have been a lot. They looked like nervous first day nursery kids trembling under their parents coats overwhelmed and obviously intimidated by an England side 153 places above them in the world rankings. 

Of course there was Stuart Pearce's horrendous back pass which gave San Marino the lead in a World Cup qualifier at the beginning of the 1990s. But then England proceeded to rip open and dismember San Marino with a seven goal fusillade that left San Marino rueing their audacity. Then there was the Iceland comedy show in the 2016 Euros. Andorra though were just submissive, compliant, hopeless and wishing they'd stayed in to watch the TV rather than play England. 

This was clearly a complete mismatch and how soon did it take England to immediately impose their control on the match? Andorra looked like the part time amateurs, a rag tag collection of players, a hotch potch gathering of the bad, the awful and the embarrassing. At times they looked as though they'd never met each other and needed to be introduced. Surely FIFA will in, their infinite wisdom, recognise the wisdom of a complete re-think of the whole structure of these World Cup qualifying groups.

When a 41 year old player from Andorra is awarded a medal for services to his country you have to wonder at the utter silliness and disparity between two nations who were vast country miles apart from each other. England were technically outstanding. professional to their fingertips and gave the kind of passing exhibition that must have left the home side seeing stars which indeed they metaphorically were. 

From the start then England set up camp almost indefinitely in the Andorra half and never looked like retreating from it. Their passing was at its usual tempo: crisp, precise, short, sharp, staccato with all manner of mathematical shapes and frequent references to trigonometry. There were the customary triangles, close, collaborative movements, beautifully weighted diagonal passes that stretched the whole of the Andorra back four and then delightful angles that, sadly, would never have been tolerated by England managers from way back when. 

Sir Alf Ramsey may have approved of the collective team ethic, but Don Revie would never have seen the necessity of over passing just for the sake of it. Revie liked his teams to pass and move but the pragmatic side of Revie would have been horrified at the over elaboration. His Leeds teams were of course naturally attack minded but Revie knew that there had to be an end product. 

Kevin Keegan and Glen Hoddle were fierce advocates of the simple passing game but Keegan just couldn't face the setbacks and defeats. Hoddle summoned spiritual guidance and we all know what happened to Hoddle. In more recent times Terry Venables just charmed his way through Euro 96 and almost won it while the more exotic likes of Sven Goran Erikssen and Fabio Capello couldn't quite come to terms with the England mindset. 

Still, here we are in October 2021 and your friend and our friend Gareth Southgate is diplomacy itself, a man with a deeply thoughtful and analytical mind, almost a footballing scientist. Southgate's England were regrettably beaten in the Euro 2020 final by an Italian side who suddenly stirred in the second half and just caught England napping. But Southgate always does his research and homework thoroughly and knew from his data that Andorra were never likely to give him any sleepless nights. 

Once again an almost second eleven England prospered despite the tightness of the pitch and its artificial turf. Ben Chilwell and Conor Coady looked lonely and unemployed. Chilwell though was forward thinking and instinctively anticipated those long, diagonal passes into his path from the superb Phil Foden. Chilwell joined the England attack without any prompting and almost scored before scoring properly himself. Coady himself is improving by the game and could be regarded as a useful asset for Gareth Southgate. 

England's midfield of course was neatly designed and ready to manoeuvre the home team out of position at every opportunity. The Southampton schemer James Ward Prowse had a profound influence in the middle of the pitch, clipping and tapping the ball accurately and then forward into open spaces. Jadon Sancho once again demonstrated all of those exquisite touches, tricks and a dazzling virtuosity in possession that has to be engraved in Gareth Southgate's mind when England teams are picked.

Then there was Jesse Lingard, a hitherto neglected figure at Manchester United, who is still wanted by his hometown club. Lingard had an astonishing spell out on loan at West Ham but Southgate knows a good player when he sees one. Although an outsider and a peripheral figure for long periods of this game, Lingard can still run at and dribble past defenders as if they were ghosts but only sporadically did Lingard find the time and space to make things happen for England. 

Back again in England's completely untroubled defence. John Stones is still a class act but quite disturbingly does find himself partial to the odd blunder and lapse of concentration. Stones and Kieran Tripper both looked impressive and confident on the ball but the feeling has to be that any of us would have felt the same way if Andorra were the opposition. Trippier must still feel a warm glow whenever his mind turns back to the goal scoring free kick which opened the scoring for England against Croatia in the World Cup of Russia three years ago. 

As for the England goals last night they came in almost logical fashion. Finally Ben Chilwell, racing into space in the opposition penalty area, timed his run to perfection. A glorious, diagonal, long ball was floated over the Andorra defence quite correctly and the Chelsea defender scored  with both coolness and aplomb. Sancho held up the ball, turned swiftly and laid off the ball to Chilwell who just stroked the ball into the net from close range. VAR were briefly consulted but the goal was given. 

Then just before half time England extended their lead and ensured complete domination. After another sweet and melodious concerto of passes Phil Foden, always available for the diagonal connection, drifted another beauty towards the Arsenal forward Bukayo Saka who drove the ball firmly into the net for England's second goal of the night. 

In the second half with the game now out of Andorra's reach the pattern was almost identical. Tammy Abraham, AC Milan's new signing from Chelsea, looked busy, sharp, alert and lively for most of the evening. Once again the stunning Jadon Sancho, who looks like the most exciting discovery English football will make for some years, curled a teasing, taunting cross deep into the path of Abraham. The former Chelsea striker bounded into space before stretching out his leg to prod the ball home for England's inevitable third goal. 

With the game reduced to the status of some pre- season friendly, England just took their feet off the pedal, accelerated when they had to and then almost found themselves in reverse gear. The ball became like a toy to them, picking it up playfully and then whimsically going through the motions. England then wrapped up another present with a fourth goal.

James Ward Prowse, who looks the genuine article for England, made it four for England after his initial penalty had been saved. Ward Prowse may find himself to be the unfortunate victim of circumstances in the months ahead. England are almost spoilt for choice in midfield and with Jude Bellingham also pressing for a starting place in England's first team, Ward Prowse looks an attractive option should things go wrong for Gareth Southgate's men. 

In the closing stages England were almost catching up with their training exercises, monopolising possession, protecting the ball, nursing the ball, caring for the ball, almost compassionate in their dealings with Andorra. The ball seemed to assume a mind of its own, sliding effortlessly across the pitch from one white England shirt to another and then parking itself in the most perfect position. England were home and dry. 

England now brought on Jack Grealish and Ollie Watkins from Aston Villa, Grealish notably making the most visible difference. AC Milan's Canadian born Fikayo Tomori also came as a sub. Tomoroi also qualifies for a place in the England side and simply came in to add to England's party pieces. Grealish, as we privately expected, decorated the game with those slippery and deceptive feet. The new Manchester City playmaker did exactly what he was required to do and scored England's fifth. Streaking through on his own with a marvellous solo run, Grealish checked back, flirted with his defender and smoothly steered the ball home for England's final goal of the night.

And so Gareth Southgate's men disappeared into an Andorra night none the wiser for their experience. It felt like an ideal night for football and nobody was injured into the bargain. But the truth is that this match seemed to more clearly resemble a holograph rather than a competitive international. England now face Hungary and the fixture always has distant throwbacks to that now humiliating 1953 defeat by the Magic Magyars, Ferenc Puskas et al. This will not be played on a misty November afternoon and there are no magicians in the Hungarian side. So take a deep breath everybody. Qatar here we come. You would have thought so.