The Budget

 The Budget.

The Budget used to be a springtime event for the good people of Britain. It was the herald of brighter days, the clocks going forward, the first tulips and daffodils to make their perennial presence felt. In Holland the canals were choc a bloc with touristy barges and the cyclists looked as though they were warming up for the Tour De France later on in the year. 

But back in Britain the Budget was probably the one day we all privately dreaded. Some of us though were not hardened boozers or drinkers nor would we have dreamt of smoking cigarettes since the smell was a repulsive one and you had to just grin and bear it all, as the said fag smoke kept pouring out of a thousand noses, mouths and lips. The smell was horrendously detestable. You could hardly bare to be in the same room as the smoker and winced with disgust when somebody decided to light up.

And yet this is no high minded, impassioned rant against all smokers around the world because smokers love to be in the same company of other smokers and besides they're not hurting anybody. So well done smokers and continue to smoke to your hearts content. You're at perfect liberty to smoke wherever and whenever you like. It's simply the sight of a thousand nicotine fuelled cigarettes has never appealed to you at any point during your life. 

During your childhood and then adolescence you remember with some affection that endearing timber framed shop in High Holborn, London where a rich variety of cigarettes, cigars, lighters, pipes, acres of tobacco would be on display and a whole host of friendly members of staff would tend to your every need. There were the distinctive Havana cigars and every conceivable smoking indulgence you could wish for. For years this smokers goldmine served the great British public but is no longer in business which does seem quite a shame. We do love our London landmarks even though none of us would ever considered going into the shop. 

Anyway back to the all important subject of the Budget for which most of us have now carefully digested the good and bad points, the disappointments and those tolerable decisions that the Chancellor of the Exchequer made yesterday. Smokers and drinkers were always directly affected even if the hike in prices of both would have aroused nothing more than a sigh of despair. It could be that this has always been the way and maybe we should be conditioned to the inevitable. Still, another Budget has passed and there's no changing of anybody's mind.

And yet when Rushi Sunak, the current incumbent of the Chancellor of the Exchequer, got to his feet against a backdrop of a full to capacity House of Commons we held our breaths and wondered whether he'd become the pantomime villain again. Boo, Hiss, opprobrium. Dear Rushi we don't approve of your announcements and you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Chancellors do get on your nerves, utterly abhorrent individuals who can barely do multiplication and long division let alone preside over Britain's economy. Or maybe they're just friendly souls just doing their job under duress. 

So Sunak smiled his sarcastic smile at the opposition Labour bench and you can almost see the mischievous glint as he tried quite successfully to undermine and humiliate the Labour party. He kept taunting them and tormenting them knowing fully well that Labour may never ever form a United Kingdom government at any point in our lifetime although things can still pan out differently. Sunak seemed to be pointing at certain members of the Labour cabinet and back benches with an almost sadistic pleasure and schadenfreude. Who are the Labour party to pass judgment against the impregnable, unbeatable Tories. The Conservative party rule OK! So there and take that. 

The Chancellor of the Exchequer then attempted to make his salient points heard throughout the Chamber of Noise and at times Comedy. Amid a cacophonous bellowing and yelling that could almost be heard at Westminster Tube train station, Sunak then gave us the detailed bullet points that different parts of the population and demographics could hardly bring themselves to listen to. It all became decidedly too technical and complex for those uninitiated in the whole process of percentages and number crunching. 

There was for instance the return to Foreign Aid to 0.7% of Gross Domestic Product. This was followed by the news that the National Living Wage would be bumped up to £9.50 an hour which sounded promising or totally unacceptable depending on your point of view. There was the 50% business rates discount, as well as the now very topical gas and electricity rate. There was the two billion pound funding for schools and colleges which doesn't really sound bad at all although this may be open to debate within the powers that be.  

Of course we should not forget those vitally significant measures such as wages. Now you need no reminding that wages constitute your loaf of bread for the week, the essential shopping and sustenance. With the gradual return to shops, warehouses and high tech offices, wages have now grown by 3.4% so that'll be very satisfactory for the working man and woman again. Still, there are bound to be a barrage of complaints and grumbles about how wages have now been frozen since the Crimean War and Britain will simply sink into poverty. 

But now we go to the original point about the Budget that either rubs you up the wrong way, leaves you seething and shaking with rage. How on earth are you going to afford a round of drinks in your local pub tonight? Now what did we tell you about those unnecessary vodkas, cocktails, scotches and whiskies? Is it any wonder that this is the most expensive round you'll ever buy? Now why on earth did you have to order the most extortionately dear pints of lager and beer. Stick to the Cokes and orange juices please. 

Cigarettes of course will always be regarded as an accessory to the crime of the scene. When the former Chancellor of Exchequer Kenneth Clarke, a Tory of the highest rank and widely acclaimed by his own party, rose to his feet to deliver a Budget you could almost hear the respect and then hostility from the Labour benches. This was the time to sit down and listen to a man who commanded the attention of the House. 

Clarke, with whisky and cigarette by his hand, would announce his Budget speech with that posh and impeccably presented delivery that almost sounded as the man had just stepped out of an Anthony Trollope political novel. Every so often the hands would move easily to the glass of whisky and then a gentle puff on the Benson and Hedges ciggies. Clarke had no time for doubters and cynics and responded to any criticism with that icy disdain in his voice that would silence everybody immediately. 

Still, Rishi Sunak emerged from 11 Downing Street with red suitcase in both hands and the most contented of smiles. Many years ago it used to be the black suitcase that looked rather weather beaten but the message was very much the same. The news always had a bleak and depressing feel about it. The man and woman on the street was always considerably poorer as a result of the Budget and it always felt there was nothing concrete or positive to take from it. 

So today Britain will resume its Post Covid 19 stance which still feels as if it's still in our subconscious even though everything is open for business. You can check your pockets today or at any time of your own choosing and the pennies will always seem like pounds. The economy is now out of any immediate danger and we can all go back to watching Strictly Come Dancing on the TV without worrying about the price of the TV licence. Oh the sparkle, the glitter and glamour. Bring it on.