You must have heard about it a thousand times by now without being aware of its true importance. It happens every year in much the way that the Grand National, the Epsom Derby, the Boat Race, the Chelsea Flower Show and the Henley Regatta does- without fail. It looms into a view like a distant yacht on the horizon glowing like a golden sunset. It is, undoubtedly, one of the most popular, the most ridiculed, the most satirised and, if you're not a fan, quite the silliest spectacle on the cultural calendar.
But to those who pour both scorn and mockery on its very existence, then you might be advised to stay out of the living room for the whole evening because it could get on your nerves. Every year the Eurovision Song Contest presses all the right or wrong buttons depending on your point of view. Those in the know insist that Eurovision is one of those contests that always lift the sagging spirits of a disenchanted nation. It does no harm whatsoever and, if anything, is probably one of the most entertaining TV programmes of the year. But then, you knew that anyway.
Today though the connoisseurs and Eurovision Song Contest addicts are preparing extensively for the occasion by ensuring that nobody is caught out by tickets on the black market. The fact is, of course that this is no ordinary Eurovision because this year is the United Kingdom's turn if only because the real winners were Ukraine last year and the whole world now knows that a Eurovision Song Contest in Ukraine is now physically and heart breakingly impossible. Ukraine, on a wave of sentimentality, have now reluctantly, and with the heaviest of hearts, told the European Broadcasting Union that a violent war in their country has scuppered all their plans and fond hopes.
Now to those with compassionate hearts this must have seemed the only course of action. At the moment poor little Ukraine is being bombed and blasted into a smoking, charred ruin with rubble everywhere, masonry and buildings razed to the ground and a people whose lives have now been permanently traumatised and destroyed. It seems like the end of the world for this lovely, peace loving country with nothing but love to give. The truth is though that they would have given everything to hold the Eurovision Song Contest but were denied by evil, murderous forces who just left them helpless.
So how did the United Kingdom react. Well, they gave us an extremely personable and likeable chap by the name of Sam Ryder who, last year, gave us a song called Spaceman and he came second. Now the man with an incredible charisma and admirable generosity of spirit, insisted that the world should come together, link arms and stick the proverbial two fingers up at Russian president Vladimir Putin. Nobody and nothing could ever dampen the spirit of a competition that began during the mid 1950s and is still going 70 years later. Take that you tyrannical tin point dictator, some must have felt. And they were surely right.
But judging by recent events Eurovision is still a thriving cultural phenomenon, a European songfest where the countries of Europe give us their splendidly funny, whimsical, often hilarious renditions of songs that are sadly, swiftly forgotten but always remembered if the song is particularly catchy.Some call it amateurish, appallingly offensive to the eye and ear, demeaning and, quite frankly a waste of time and money. And yet what do they know who know?
In 2023 Liverpool have been awarded the opportunity to hold the Contest and they're so excited that if it were allowed to happen tomorrow night the chances are that everybody on Merseyside would be ready and waiting. It's as if all of Liverpool's birthdays and anniversaries have come at once. They weren't expecting this and besides the United Kingdom haven't been Eurovision hosts since Katrina and the Waves in 1997 and that feels that like ancient history.
All around Liverpool, from the Albert Dock to Anfield, home of Liverpool football club and the main city centre, there is a buzz of anticipation and excitement not experienced since that famous Liverpool boy band rocked into town and then conquered the world. Of course Liverpool is the most logical choice for Eurovision since music has always generated an almost off the scale electricity. The Beatles more or less secured its musical folklore and legend and all around Liverpool the whole of population is rubbing its hands together with an unparalleled excitement. Bring on Eurovision. Liverpool can't wait.
Everywhere there are planned festivities, parties, social media driven events, huge publicity machines at work and a sense that this was all somehow preordained to happen. Realistically nobody had really considered Liverpool as Eurovision hosts but then somebody had to step forward. And Liverpool threw their collective hats into the ring without any hesitation, this from a corner of England which once gave us Cilla Black, Jimmy Tarbuck and Gerry and the Pacemakers, a nation that gave us the gossipy Brookside on Channel Four and the highly amusing Liver Birds on BBC One.
Now Liverpool is the centre of attention again but this time for different reasons. Somewhere deep in the land of BBC's animated decision makers, there is a realisation of a dream come true. After all of those years of humiliation, rejection and rib tickling humour, history repeated itself over and over again. The late and great Terry Wogan once insisted categorically that he would never be the BBC host again since the whiff of conspiracy theories were in the air and nobody wanted the United Kingdom to ever participate again.
Since 1997 the United Kingdom have finished nowhere in particular, even further down the list of countries and, one or two occasions, rock bottom. When the first plans were laid down for Britain's withdrawal from the EU, some of us definitely suspected the worst. Two can play at that game and revenge is now ever so sweet. So here we are 26 years later and still we find ourselves banging our heads against the proverbial brick wall. The whole of Europe is still ganging up against the United Kingdom and you're not welcome in their club without our permission.
It does seem as if all may have been forgiven and peace has been restored between Britain's neighbours after Sam Ryder's victorious moment when runners up place became the winner's podium. We will of course be prepared for the predictable sequence of unusual Greek folk songs, bizarre synth pop with all manner of electronic gadgets, flashing strobe lights, laser beams, Cypriot religious chants and the customary singers and groups. We will be transfixed by those weird hairstyles and guitars that look as though they've fallen out of a sixth form school cupboard.
Be sure to book your place on the sofa for the ingenious scoring system which determines eventually which European country will take pride of place at the top. In the old days there was one block of scoring where 12 points would be kindly given to one country and the others would get a kind of consolation prize such as a goldfish or a Crackerjack pencil. Now the scoring and allocation of points seems to have taken on the appearance of some seaside amusement arcade. At any moment you find yourself half expecting hundreds of those mauve tokens or tickets which guarantee at least a brand new, 5,000 piece jigsaw puzzle.
The memories of the Brotherhood of Mann's 'Save All Your Kisses For Me', Bucks Fizz with 'Making Your Mind Up', Sandy Shaw's Puppet on a String and Cliff Richard's delightful 'Congratulations' still sound like era defining melodies that all of us should remember and probably sing in the bath or shower. It'll all be Scandinavian politeness between the likes of Sweden and Norway or maybe not. And then Liverpool will open its doors wide open, hospitable to the end of the show. The hotel bookings are now in the process of being rapidly filled and the musical city of Liverpool will reach out its hands and hope that nobody should overlook the important contribution the Ukraine have made to Eurovision. We all wish them the very best. Bring on the Eurovision Song Contest.
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