England narrowly beat Slovenia and claim World Cup place in Russia.

England narrowly beat Slovenia and claim World Cup place in Russia.

It was indeed rather like watching paint dry or having your teeth pulled by the most respected dentist in the world. Oh how dreadful this was. Inside the vast sporting theatre that is Wembley Stadium, you could almost hear a collective snoring such had been the unrelenting tedium that they'd just witnessed. Sooner or later an extensive inquest will be held into this mind numbingly atrocious and incompetent England display. The boo hiss, pantomime villain season had well and truly arrived in North London and only Gareth Southgate, the England boss, could possibly give an adequate explanation that sounded vaguely convincing.

Of course England have now claimed their World Cup place next summer in Russia but what exactly were they doing last night? Did somebody spike their energy drinks with some illicit substance. Surely not? The very thought of such nasty malpractice would have been clamped down upon almost immediately by both the FA and FIFA. But there was something terribly amiss and there was an underlying current of embarrassment running right through the England team that had to be seen to be believed.

For the entire 90 minutes England  not only huffed and puffed but were leggy and leaden, flat footed at times, awkward, pedestrian, sloppy, careless and just for good measure, pathetic for the whole duration of the match. When some wag in the crowd threw a paper plane onto the pitch in the second half it was followed ironically by another set of aircraft with even bigger fuselages.  Then there was another chorus of jeering, sneering and sighing as Gareth Southgate's one paced men staggered around the national stadium as if barely acquainted with each other.

Your mind flitted back to a similar scenario at this time of the year in 1973. Then England's fate was sealed painfully in another World Cup qualifier when Poland came to Wembley and sent Sir Alf Ramsey's England packing denied the opportunity to go to West Germany for what should have been a well deserved place in the 1974 World Cup. But Alan Clarke's equalising penalty for England was not enough and England and Sir Alf Ramsey walked the plank. Sometimes you get the impression that England genuinely enjoy tormenting their fans.

Admittedly last night's narrow 1-0 victory did have different repercussions and the result worked in their favour this time but you would never have known it. England never really started the game against Slovenia and when the passes began to go astray and the thought processes became inextricably tangled up in a complex web of muddle and blunder, the fans slowly became aware of England's complete lack of any direction, method, shape and a helpless ineptitude.

Not for the first time during their uncomfortable if triumphant roller coaster of a World Cup qualifying campaign, England left it until injury time of the 90 minutes before finally saving us all the humiliation of watching the national side being held to a goal-less draw by a Slovenia side who would probably have struggled to beat Rochdale on a good day.

This is no good for the blood pressure for those of us who have given such emotional investment to the national team for so many years. In fact there were frequent points during the match when some of the fans may have been tempted to drive home in one of the Vauxhall cars being widely advertised around Wembley. Certainly the engine and carburettor were sadly missing and nobody had bothered to put any petrol into England's tank last night.

 In fact at some point somebody may have to take this vehicle in for a good service and MOT. This was a ridiculously hard watch and by the end of the game most of us were desperately searching for the off button. It was excruciatingly painful and not for those who like their England football matches straightforward.

We knew that Slovenia would probably take the game much more seriously than their predecessors but apart from sporadic moments of a Slovenia threat this was not a complicated task. You shuddered to think what England's next two friendly opponents Brazil and Germany would have made of this frivolous music hall comedy. Maybe they'd have taken England to cleaners but then the laundry bill would have been far too expensive. Suffice it to say that England looked washed out, disorganised and dishevelled. It was both clean and respectable but then you thought of Brazil and Germany and wondered whether they'd be quite so compassionate towards England.

Once again though England did bear an uncanny resemblance to the celebrated Leeds United side of the late 1960s and 70s under the growling and grumbling Don Revie. Revie, as may well be remembered, didn't believe in outward emotion and anything that could be regarded as open and demonstrative. Management for Revie seemed a workaday chore rather than something to get excited about. In that thick brown sheepskin coat, Revie was initially acclaimed the saviour of the England football team but then a whole group of Arab sheikhs came along and it all went disastrously wrong.

Last night England wore the same kind of white shirts and red socks that so distinguished Revie's showboating 11. Here though the parallels ended because at no point did last night England have a Norman Hunter lashing out with ferocious tackles or a Peter Lorimer firing thunderbolts at terrified goalkeepers. And Harry Kane was no Billy Bremner with his fiery ginger head and temperamental outbursts. Jordan Henderson is slowly growing into his very specific midfield playmaking role but Johnny Giles he most certainly isn't yet.

Still when all the dust settles down and the all the fuss subsides the truth is that England have made it to another World Cup and those Russians had better  be watching. Or perhaps not. For whatever reason England spent a whole match looking for avenues that were quickly closed down, channels that were completely shut and a goal that looked to be in some remote part of the world where no civilisation has been spotted.

At times England seemed to be looking for a pot of gold that was hidden deep in the bowels of earth.  England must have felt that their terms of engagement came with several clauses and no real guarantee. All too often Gareth Southgate's men built what looked like an impressive head of steam only to find that the passes were intended for no man's land. The complete lack of joined up thinking and co-ordination within this England team verged on the amateurish  at times. There must have been something in their tea.

You looked up to the VIP box at Wembley and spotted the legendary Sir Bobby Charlton staring down on the pitch he once so illuminated 51 years in England's one and only World Cup. What must have been going through his mind.  How today's England would have snapped up a player of Charlton's explosive shooting power and all around presence on the pitch. Where Charlton once glided England last night crawled sluggishly, forever losing the ball in potentially rewarding areas of the pitch.

True Spurs Eric Dier did have one of his typically sure footed and composed games for England, protecting the ball shrewdly in his holding midfield player role before finally discovering that it was safe to come out of defence. Dier's distribution of the ball was once again clever and sensible, a player of commonsense and discretion being the better part of valour.

Ryan Bertrand and Gary Cahill were dependably secure at the back as well and although caught out on one or two occasions both Bertrand and Gary Cahill looked like shopkeepers doing their utmost to make sure that the shelves were fully stocked up. Cahill, who guided Chelsea to last season's Premier League, looked as if he'd been around for much longer than some might have thought. Cahill was solid and immovable, smart in his interceptions and decisive in the tackle.

Once again Jordan Henderson in England's midfield boiler room looked suitably in control, a player with innumerable creative juices, a wonderful footballing brain and splendidly poised on the ball. There were times when Henderson had something of the Bryan Robson, David Beckham and further back Johnny Haynes about him. Henderson is very driven, commanding, controlled and completely disciplined. His passing has a sumptuous quality and there is perhaps an embryonic Trevor Brooking about Henderson which may be the ultimate compliment you could pay him. But last night wasn't quite Henderson's night nor for his colleagues.

Then there was Raheem Sterling and Alex Oxlade Chamberlain accompanying Henderson on his travels. Sterling is an exceptionally gifted winger but any comparisons to Steve Coppell or Peter Barnes may be reserved for another day. Wingers were always Sir Alf Ramsey's public enemy number one although John Connelly and Terry Paine could always be called upon when necessary.

In Sterling's case the jury may have to go into deliberation for some time. Sterling has a brilliant turn of pace and can run at defenders with insolent ease. But insolence is not what English football requires at the moment and there are moments when Sterling overplays the sorcery and chicanery. He tricks his way past opponents as if were all done on impulse. Then the ball makes other decisions for him and the moment passes. If only he could score every time he touches the ball then football would be the essentially simple game it's always been.

 Then he wastefully loses the ball and looks aghast at the rest of the world as if life is one big conspiracy. Sterling almost scored with the ball that fell straight at his feet. The shot was heading for the net before a Slovenian foot diverted the ball away. Sterling looked to the skies in astonishment as if he fervently believed that a goal was the least he deserved. Sadly for all his scheming, conniving and foraging the magician from Manchester City found a rabbit but little else. Sterling remains an integral part of England's World Cup plans but there is a worrying tendency towards over elaboration. When Sterling collides into a wall of defenders you begin to think about that unnecessary expenditure of energy. Still Sterling is worth his weight in gold, a valuable player in every sense of the word.

For Alex Oxlade Chamberlain the sentiments are much the same. At Arsenal Oxlade Chamberlain could have been  Anders Limpar or Marc Overmars in disguise although both Limpar and Overmars had that hint of subtlety and mystery that Oxlade Chamberlain has yet to achieve at the moment. But then Arsene Wenger began to have lingering doubts about Oxlade Chamberlain and although outstandingly imaginative with the ball at times Oxlade Chamberlain now wears the red shirt of Jurgen Klopp's Liverpool. Like Sterling, Chamberlain has a glorious lightness of touch and sensitivity on the ball  that few of his peers can boast. He weaves, dodges, cuts inside full backs deviously, steps over and drags back with admirable consistency.

And then right at the very end of this terribly anti climactic World Cup qualifier that man struck again. At Tottenham the fans can hardly believe that years after the immortal Jimmy Greaves, Martin Chivers and more recently the Gary Lineker goal scoring spree, they can once again hold their heads high. His name is Harry Kane and he is currently setting the world alight with his natural flair for scoring goals from all angles. Kane is scoring goals for fun and the recent spectacular at Everton from way out on the touchline and the two he pocketed almost naturally at West Ham have now been topped off and tailed for England.

With the minutes ticking away last night and their patience worn thin, Kane did something that a vast majority of England football fans thought had been beyond his capacity. Kyle Walker who seems to getting faster and faster with every game at Manchester City, ran into a space from another poor Slovenian defensive clearance. Walker charged forward into acres of space, spotted Kane running sharply into the Slovenian penalty area in anticipation before connecting instantly and slipping the ball into the back into the net under a flailing Slovenian keeper. England are World Cup bound next year.

Meanwhile back on the Wembley pitch injury time had been completed, Kane leaping into the air with his jubilant jump and celebratory fist pump. Wembley Stadium still looked in a state of shock rather than celebration. For 90 minutes England's fans. who must have wished they'd spent their evening at Homebase or doing the weekly shop at Tesco, exploded into life as if all England games should be decided at nigh on midnight. Bring on those Russian Cossacks.